I posted this on
Facebook this morning:
This morning, on my
way to work, I saw my neighbor dragging her small son to the bus stop, quite
literally. He had thrown himself onto the ground, his expression one of
resolute determination.
He. Was. Not.
Going. To. School.
Mom had him by one
arm, pulling his prone and remarkably Jell-o-y form, his heels scraping the
asphalt the whole way. When I passed by, I nodded to him in solidarity and
understanding. His eyes pleaded with me to help. Alas, I could not. All I could
do was mouth, “I feel you, little homie. I feel you.”
I meant it
as a funny post, and I think it was received it as such, but it prompted a
comment from a friend: “What a little brat.” This friend doesn’t have children,
generally doesn’t like them (about which he’s vocal), and resents having to
share public places with them. A conversation about children’s behavior ensued.
I get
frustrated, as do all parents, I think, when a childless person, who spends
little time with/around kids, puts his two cents in regarding how children
should be raised. My friend, an overall great guy (except for the whole ‘children
are devil-spawn’ thing), feels quite justified in giving his opinion because 1)
he was a child and, therefore, does have ‘experience’, and 2) he is forced to
share the world with little humans. They’re fair points, I suppose, but having
been a child is far different from parenting them. I admit that I was judge-y
before I was a parent. It’s so easy to say, “If I had a kid…” but you don’t
really know until you have that kid. Then a whole lot of what you ‘know’ flies
out the window.
Here is what
I do know, based on my own years parenting and many years of working directly
with small children:
Good, happy,
healthy kids misbehave. Period. Good, happy, healthy kids can be brats and have
melt-downs, sometimes (gah!) in public. Good, happy, healthy kids will
sometimes push their parents to the point of exasperation and exhaustion, making
them want to kick their little butts so far into the future, their clothes will
be out of style.
I’m betting
that every single parent in the world knows this. I’m also betting that every
parent in the world has been (or will be) embarrassed by one of these
situations at least once (or 400 times).
Imagine how this mom felt... (heh)
Kids – all
kids, but especially little ones – are learning. They’re learning everything.
They have no real control over their lives – and sometimes they want it so very
desperately. They have little control over their emotions. They don’t understand that being tired can
make them act like the Anti-Christ, that being hungry brings out the demons in
them, that when they’re angry or scared, they can’t just lash out at whoever is
near. They are learning. We, as parents and as adults, are teaching. Or we
should be.
Condemning a
child – labeling him negatively, especially based on just a snapshot of
behavior – is wrong. Assuming he always behaves badly is most likely
inaccurate. Not understanding that there is a reason for the behavior is doing
that child a disservice. There is always a reason. The reason might not be
readily apparent, it’s true, and it might not be a good one (according to adult
standards) but it’s always there. Trying to understand the reason tells the
child that what is happening in his head and his heart is important. It’s
validating. It teaches empathy and tolerance. It creates healthy, empathetic,
caring adults.
And I think we need more of those sorts of adults in this world.
None of this
means that bad behavior should be condoned.
It doesn’t
mean that kids shouldn’t be held appropriately accountable for their behavior.
My little
neighbor obviously didn’t want to go to school this morning. I don’t know why. I
don’t know his reason. I do know he’s a lovely little guy with a normally sunny
disposition and his resistance (I can’t even call it a tantrum) to heading to
the bus stop was unusual. I also know that his mother deemed his resistance
futile. He went to school, like it or not (not).
And I went
to work this morning, like it or not (not).
That’s Life.
Parenting is
a hard job. It’s a really hard job. Some of us are good at it. Some of us are
not. Most of us are just trying to get through the day. Most of us are also well
aware that our kids are the results of our efforts – the good, the bad, the ugly, and the
utterly exhausted. And it scares the shit out of us.
I don’t
believe in wrapping kids in bubble wrap. I don’t believe in protecting them
from loss, from losing, and from the pain and frustration that comes from not
getting what they want. I believe they need freedom to explore, to make mistakes, and to learn to
think for themselves. I believe we have to prepare them for living in the real
world, which means working hard, paying dues, losing (hopefully less than
winning), helping others, being grateful, and giving back. I believe that
competition can be good but not at the expense of learning to play fairly. I
believe that teaching our kids that there are consequences for every action, as
well as how to deal with being hurt, with pain, with anger, frustration, and
loss are some of the most important lessons we can teach. And I believe that
making sure kids understand that they are not their mistakes and shortcomings –
and that they are worthy of great love in spite of their mistakes and shortcomings
– is key to bringing them up in the healthiest possible way.
When kids
are loved and taught well, their behavior generally follows. Make no mistake, every
child will misbehave. Every child will have bratty moments. But the child who
chronically misbehaves is missing something (or may have a condition or
disability which makes managing his behavior difficult). And that is not his
fault. So attempting to understand his reasons for misbehaving can only help
him.
We have
become a society so willing to judge and condemn people for
behavior/ideas/words we don’t like. We demand tolerance of our views but we’re
not willing to extend it. This world needs change on a grand scale.
And I think it needs to start with the youngest among us.
