And all crap passes eventually, too, I guess. I signed my divorce papers today. I know, it was a long time coming and because of that, I thought I’d feel differently about it… at best, elated… at worst, indifferent. But I don’t feel either of those things. Truth be told, I feel a bit empty… and sad, too (which I didn’t expect). All the anger and hurt passed a long time ago and I thought the grief had as well, but I still feel it… it’s like mourning, but not for the life or relationship that was, because neither were good or happy; but for the life and relationship I thought I’d have and that I thought I was working toward.
It seemed fitting that I waited today... waited for nearly an hour for the notary to become available to sign off on the divorce papers. I spent so much of my marriage waiting… waiting for degrees and work projects to be finished; waiting for time together and vacations that never came; waiting for kind words and compliments and ‘thank yous’ and ‘I’m sorrys’ that never came either; waiting to be a top priority in an overloaded, over-scheduled life; waiting to simply matter to the person I was supposed to matter to the most.
But now the waiting is over. The notary was finally free and she witnessed my signature, signed her name, and stamped and dated the document - the piece of paper that effectively ends a chapter of my life that lasted more than fifteen years. I wouldn’t change it… I don’t long for the marriage or the relationship or the person… not ever. And I know this empty, sad feeling will go away… because everything - good and bad – must come to an end.