Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes...

It’s Mama’s Losin’ It’s writing prompt time… I’m choosing “If I could change anything, I would change…”

I thought hard about this. There are a lot of things I would change if I could… the President; the war; that I can’t get BBCAmerica in my cable package; the hideous global intolerance with which we live; the fact that polar bears are becoming endangered; the size of my ass; that Sarah Palin’s church boasts a ‘Pray Away the Gay’ campaign; my salary… oh, so many things. The list is really endless and overwhelming. After much consideration, however, I narrowed it to 3 things:

1. I would render my ex impotent… and castrated… with big, ugly, infected boils on his willy.
2. I would go back in time, to before Matthew McConaughey knocked up his girlfriend, and make him fall madly in love with me.
3. I would make chocolate, Diet Pepsi, McDonald’s bacon/egg/cheese bagels, and red wine health foods.

So… which one? They’re all good changes. Number one is good for lots of reasons. First and foremost, the whole ‘revenge is sweet’ thing comes to mind. Second, it would prevent him from spreading the love to any more unsuspecting (stupid) women. Third, it would just make me laugh… and laughter is good for the soul. But I hate to waste such power on someone who is really pretty insignificant in the grand scheme of things. So I’ll pass (though the boils on the willy was a nice touch, wasn’t it?).

Number two… oh, Matthew, Matthew, lovely man. I really like the idea of ‘us’ but I just remembered reading where you don’t shower that often or wear deodorant. That, my sweet, is not lovely. Especially given that to maintain that scrumptious body of yours, you must have to work out a lot. And when you work out, I’m guessing you sweat. And truly, I’m not a huge fan of man-stink. So unless I can change 2 things, I’m going to have to pass. It’s probably just as well, really, as I’m saving myself for Gerard Butler.

So, that brings us to number three. New health foods… chocolate, Diet Pepsi, BEC bagels, and red wine. Oh yeah, baby. Now, I’m not talking about changing them to ‘not so bad for you’ foods or ‘low-cal, low-fat foods you can enjoy in relative moderation’ foods. I’m talking about adding them to the food pyramid… to the ‘you must have 5 a day to be healthy’ category. I’m talking ‘two trips to MickeyD’s, a 12-pack of Diet Pepsi, and a giant Caramello bar, with 2 bottles of Pinot to wash it all down’ per day – you know… necessary sorts of foods.

Yeah… number three. That’s the one I’m going with. Man, I’m hungry now. Off to the fridge… for a piece of celery. Sigh.