formerly Diane's Addled Ramblings... the ramblings are still addled, just like before, and the URL is still the same...
it's just the title at the top of the page that's new

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Those Billy Goats Got Nothin' On Me...

This is an email I received tonight from someone I went out with once... over a year ago... and never again... because it was possibly the worst first date. E.V.E.R... for reasons too numerous (and awful) to name. (My commentary is included… natch)…

Dear Dianne, (Note the misspelling of my name… also note that he had to spell it correctly in order to send the email, as my email address IS my name.)

Hey, long time huh? (Oh, would that it could have been longer.) How have you been? (Great… ‘til now.) I’ve been thinking about you alot lately. (Really? I’d completely obliterated you from my memory... 'til now.) That was a great dinner we had at Red Lobster. (Yeah, ummm, we ate at Luigi’s.) You looked soooo pretty that night. (Noooo, that wasn’t soooo ‘pretty’… that was soooo ‘shocked’ and soooo ‘horrified'... I just cover well.) I remember thinking you looked so much better in person than your pictures (I remember thinking you weren’t even IN your pictures) and you were so funny. (Yeah, that would be me, drunk.) It was a great date. (Riiiiiight… were we even on the same date?) Anyway, I know you said you’d rather be friends (I was being kind... what I meant was I’d rather eat glass than ever speak to you again) but I was wondering if you’d like to try the whole date thing again? (Only if it doesn’t resemble a date… or a thing.) I'd really like to see you again. (I'd rather poke myself in the eye with a fork.) Let me know! (Sure thing… right after I throw up.)

Love, (Oh no, he did not!)

Troll-Guy (OK, so he actually wrote his real name, but Troll-Guy is much more appropriate.)

And here is my response…

Dear Troll-Guy, (OK, so I actually wrote his real name… I think. Uh oh… let me check. Whew! Yes, I did.)

Thanks for your email. (And by ‘thanks’ I mean ‘why are you stalking me again?’) It’s nice to know someone's been thinking of me. (Someone... but not you... 'cause now I feel like I need a shower.) I appreciate the invitation (and by ‘appreciate’ I mean ‘I’d rather chew my own arm off than go out with you’) but I’m sort of taking a break from the dating world. (Well, from dating Trolls… in Troll World.) Thanks again. (And by ‘thanks again’ I mean ‘never contact me again… ever… as long as you live… under that bridge… in Troll World.’)

Diane (Note the correct spelling of my name… ‘cause, well, I know how to spell my name.)

23 comments:

Lee said...

Be kind to him, he has hidden shallows.

Protege said...

LOL Diane, perhaps you should have included in the end of the mail the url to this post.
Then the poor guy would never date again, or had to change his manners.;)

Shanna said...

HAHAHAHA...poor guy never knew what hit him huh? Despite that you say the reasons are too numerous and awful, you must tell about the date!!!

The Odd Duck said...

Sometimes I have to shake my head at my gender. I really do.

Also, this may be because I'm young but isn't it kind of creepy/stalkerish to email someone you went on a single date with a year before and have had no contact with sense?

Thanks for making me laugh first thing in the morning.

Heinous said...

That was funny...for me at least...although I feel sorry for you because dudes like that are just creepy. I wonder if he reads your blog. Hopefully not, he may be strange enough that this might encourage him.

Heather said...

Hahahahahaha.....thank you for the laugh this morning!! Some guys just DON'T take a clue!! You went out ONCE over a year ago...doesn't he think you would've contacted him by now if you were interested? Sheesh. Come on Troll-Guy! Get with the program!

Ronda's Rants said...

You are kind and he sounds desperate...not sure if he is aware! I love, love the quote of the week!

Diane said...

Lee... nothing was hidden with him... it was ALL out in the open.

Zuz... It wasn't just his manners, believe me!

Shanna... that's a story best told in person, over a glass (and by 'glass', I mean 'bottle') of wine!

Kendall... this guy gives new meaning to the word 'stalker'. And I'm glad my discomfort could make you chuckle ;)

H... I feel sorry for me, too. I don't think he could even know about my blog... but he is an IT guy with stalker ability... so you never know.

Heather... Troll-Guy has his own program (and it's not on one of the major networks... trust me).

Ronda... I did try to be kind... it sort of backfired on me, though, which is why the email was such a shock. But yeah, I think desperate pretty much covers it.

Sam_I_am said...

wow, he's got guts, huh? Maybe he was hoping you'd forget about the suckiness of the last date.

Miss Caught Up said...

LOL I don't think I would have been as polite as you. :)

Anonymous said...

Dear Dianne,

I'm so shocked to read how you felt about our date. I really didn't think it was THAT bad!

Of course we ate at Luigi's - I ate lobster - I was just testing your memory!

The door is still open if you change your mind. I think you are just playing hard to get, but that's OK, I get that a lot.

I hope to hear from you and see you soon!

Love,

Troll-Guy.
P.S. I live near a bridge, not under one!

Anonymous said...

*Grins*
OK, That was me - what a hilarious story!

Col
xoxo

Mel said...

Wait, is he the weirdly proportioned guy who brought you multi-colored daisies? Or a different bad date all together?

Diane said...

Sam... I don't think he realized how sucky the last date was! He really did have a good time!

MCU... I am always nice until I have a reason not to be. He is not mean or vindictive... he's just thick... and sad... and pathetic... and... do I really need to go on? ;)

Col... bite me (and I mean that in the nicest way).

Mel... Yup, that was him... the guy who looked like a troll and sounded like an elf.

Shanna said...

LOL!!!!! I'm so glad you read the "who we be"! I debated putting it on there figuring that the fewer people who knew it wasn't their real names the less likely it would be that the crazies would find the kids if, you know, they decided to come find us. BUT! I felt weird about people thinking that was actually his name ;) Charlie and Sierra is kind of cute but ya...Jet is weird for a real name LOL :)

Shanna said...

OH! And if John Travolta DOES read my blog then I guess I better start dropping hints about my desire to date super cute dimple chinned, older men ;)

Stu Pidasso said...

Ouch, you can be brutal. But then, brutal is what some people need. However, humility is something we all could use a little of now and again. I, too, have been called a troll-guy, but live and learn, learn and live. I can't change the past, but I can not repeat the mistakes of my own past. SO would you say the third photo qualifies me as a Troll??

GB!

angie said...

My daughters middle name is yours spelled Troll-Guy way with 2 N's.

I enjoyed this so much. So much. Now, if only you could post a picture of this guy so I can get the WHOLE picture. ha ha.

Live More Now (LMN) said...

This confirms it - you ARE hilarious. Thanks for the laugh (but sorry it was at the expense of you apparently wasting a night of your life).

LazyCrazyMama said...

That is hilarious! And you should have included your parenthesis :)

Distributorcap said...

so nice the internets are good for something more than blogs and porn

namaste said...

did he respond?

Heatherlyn said...

I followed the link from your post from the writer's workshop today, which is why I was reading your blog. I thoroughly enjoyed your take on this date and his email. You ARE a very nice person.