formerly Diane's Addled Ramblings... the ramblings are still addled, just like before, and the URL is still the same...
it's just the title at the top of the page that's new

Friday, December 5, 2008

Fowl Mood

Remember when I said that my gorgeous 4-legged boy doesn't cause any chaos now? That there are no more incidents, now that he's all grown up? Yeah, well, I lied. A big, fat, honkin' lie. There was chaos this morning. There was an incident...

First, let me explain a few things about me and animals. I love them. I do. When I was younger, I worked for a vet and I volunteered at the SPCA. OK, so both jobs broke my heart and I had to quit, but I tried. Because I love animals. I've always had pets... budgies, hamsters, gerbils, rabbits, dogs, etc. I can't imagine my life without some critter to buy kibble for or who sheds all over my stuff. I love them. I have wondered, however, if perhaps I might have owned a slaughterhouse in a previous life... or maybe I was a trapper... or a furrier. I don't know. But my animal Karma seriously leaves a little to be desired. There have been a few incidents in recent years... incidents involving squirrels, geese, a mad cow, a camel (yes, a camel), and a cat (click here to read my friend Mel's account of that attack)... incidents I didn't cause but in which I was maligned... mauled... smacked-down... chased. Unpleasant incidents. There was such an incident today...

I should also tell those of you who don't know, that although I love animals in general, my goodwill does not extend toward fowl. Fowl are foul. I don't know why but many fowlish sorts of creatures give me the heebie-jeebies - namely turkeys, chickens, geese, and pigeons (are pigeons technically fowl?). Now I would never do any harm (unless you count eating chicken and turkey as harming... semantics, right?) but I don't like them. Truth be told, I'm actually afraid of them. Again, I've no idea why. I should try past life regression therapy one day to find out.

Anyway, today's Karmic incident involved a goose. A Canada goose to be specific. I really don't like Canada geese. They are gigantic rats with wings... nasty, pooping, scavenging, noisy bastards. A few years ago, I had a run in with three Canada geese while rollerblading. I'm ashamed to admit they got the better of me. And they laughed about it. And I'm pretty sure I recognized one of them this morning. Nasty, pooping, scavenging, noisy bastard.

So... back to my dog. My lovely, sweet-natured, well-behaved, darling, completely chicken-shit dog. Actually, he's very brave... if he's on his leash. Before he barks or lunges at some other dog or animal at the park, he always does this little check to make sure he's attached to me. If he is, he'll bark and lunge away. If not, he glues himself to my hip and shuts up. Yeah, he's smart. So today he was on his leash. And we were walking by the pond... which was full of nasty, pooping, scavenging, noisy bastards. There were a bunch on the bank and Sundance, after doing his leash check, did his little barking-lunge, which he likes to do at the ducks to make them squawk and fly into the water (which is funny, actually). A bunch of the geese did just that. One of them did not. Clearly pissed off, he came right at my dog (and me), wings and neck extended, head down, honking his nasty, pooping, scavenging, noisy, bastard guts out at us! Sundance, ever the brave one, yelped, turned, and ran like hell, tail between his legs. Still attached to me, he jerked my arm back and I slipped on the bank, as it's all frosty, and down I went, face-first, being dragged by my terrified dog who was at the other end of his 20-foot flexi-leash. And that nasty, pooping, scavenging, noisy bastard was still coming at me! As he closed in, I buried my face in my arm, waiting for the assault. I didn't have to wait long... that bastard PECKED ME IN THE HEAD! Sundance grew some cojones at that point, and ran back toward me, barking, which scared the foul fowl and he turned and flew into the pond.

Have I mentioned that I hate fowl? I do. Oh yeah, and my dog is grounded.

31 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hahaha, you got dragged face down by your dog. Tis is why animals are far better than people, they can do that to you and they are still cute.

Diane said...

Alan, you can't hide behind 'Anonymous'. Bite me. And PS... you spelled 'this' wrong.

justsomethoughts... said...

you worte "nasty, pooping, scavenging, noisy bastard" and i thought that you were reffering to...
ok.
well, it was a great post. and i think i lost some soup through my nose.
last but not least, i'm sorry you went through it. though it did make for some great reading.

swenglishexpat said...

Tip: get some knee pads and a hockey helmet when dog walking. Would look funny, but just might work! ;-)

SouthernBelle said...

Ohhh, terrible. Poor Diane!
"Please, the only thing hurt in that fall was my spine."

I've been dragged after squirrels, ducks & other dogs at the end of one of those extendo-leashes.

Just don't ever grab the whip-cord extending part with your fingers, because they are not kidding on the warning tag. I literally got burn marks on my fingers one time.

Heather said...

Holy hell..that's the funniest thing I've heard in a LONG time. I know it sucked for you, but you seriously made my day. Sorry for my sick sense of humor. :)

Heinous said...

Eating chicken isn't harming them...they're way past harmed at that point.

oh...and...btw

Bwahahaha...pecked in the head. Awesome. I'd pay for the video of that.

Mama Wheaton said...

Did you get any goose poop on you? At least you Sundance won't leave you completely alone to defend yourself, he did come back?

Sam_I_am said...

I've only been dragged off my feet once, so far.

I must be having bad pet karma too, because Onyx is sitting in my lap, purring away while she bites my typing hand.

Strange Pilgram said...

I am also terrified of geese... I don't even like to talk about the loaf of bread incident. Heebie-jeebies... ITA.

Jane! said...

Maybe you shouldn't have neutered the poor guy.
I seriously thought I was the only one to be chased on rollerblades by a goose. What really chaps me is that I was originally trying NOT to run over the dang thing. If I knew then what I knew now, I would have put all 8 wheels across his neck. See? Now you got me started...

Shanna said...

Hahahaaha! I can just imagine the thing pecking you in the head! Glad Sundance eventually came to your rescue!

Protege said...

LOL Diane!!!;))What an experience.;) Are you aware of the fact that many people are afraid of birds? It is called "ornithophobia".
Although I do not fear birds, I have once had a very scary encounter with a swan; we were 3 people on a golf cart and thank god for that, as we could take off in a hurry when the swan furiously attacked us!;))

Live More Now (LMN) said...

OH. MY. GOODNESS. I am sorry about the dog cowardice resulting in the head pecking. Geese are so aggressive. So are swans. You'll have to teach Sundance the difference between ducks and geese if he has not learned his lesson already. :) Better luck next time.

Protege said...

Aw Shanna, you beat me to it by 5 minutes and now I am again #13. And I am so superstitious, I had to leave one more comment:P
Sorry Diane.:P

Mel said...

hahahahahaha! You got pecked in the head! You got pecked in the head! This made my (still sick) day! Man, I'm totally hoping someone in the park got a video of that and will post it to youtube. I'm so searching for that description! At least you only tore your t-shirt when the cow came after you. And, Sundance didn't even stick around for that one.

Pauline said...

I've had my ankle pecked by a goose - you're "a head" of me (sorry, sorry). I know it's not nice to laugh at another's misfortune but there's tea all over my keyboard and my sides ache. You tell a very funny story ;)

Lee said...

Will you hate me if I say I laughed at your story?

J Cosmo Newbery said...

Being goosed doesn't seem to be as much fun as it used to be.

Jenners said...

I'm sorry but I'm so glad these horrible things happen to you because you turn them into comic gold! I love that the dog checks to make sure you "got his back" before being brave.

JIMSIGHT said...

If the Geese in your area are rats with wings I don't want to be anywhere near the rats in Virginia. Would this experience make you a pecker head?

I must agree though, Geese/Turkey's very nasty creatures in general.

Tom said...

Diane! I hope you're OK!

One day I'll have to blog about my childhood pet, Lucy, the fearless hound, who herded ducks into ponds and would then jump in after them - often with me still on the other end of the leash. Fortunately it was well before the age of youtube...

Thanks for yet another wonderfully entertaining story!

Rachel said...

i completely hate birds too. they freak me out. beaks and talons - yikes!

i am so sorry you got head-pecked. at least your pup tried to redeem himself by coming to your rescue?

Diane said...

To those of you who expressed concern for my well-being, thank you! I'm fine... it takes more than one nasty goose to stomp... errr... peck the ugly out of me.

To those of you who laughed at my plight, bite me.

To those of you who actually expelled liquid through your mouth or nose, well, you can... you can... you can bite me twice!

And JIMSIGHT, 'pecker head' was the exact term that came to my mind as well. I opted not to mention it in the post, however, because, as you can see, my friends are, well, just plain rude (and cruel), and they would have jumped on it with aplomb. So thanks for doing it for me.

And now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to the park with my dog. I'm stopping by my neighbor's house first, though, for a quickie goose... errrrr... target shooting lesson.

Cari said...

I'm a little late responding, but I'm sure Mel will side with me on this...all of us that laughed at you (by the way HA HA HA this story is great), it's only for all the times you've laughed at us as we've fallen on our faces etc.

Bernie Krausse said...

Thanks for sharing your quote of the week. True Words Indeed. I hope to absorb them.

JIMSIGHT said...

No problem, anytime! Thanks for stopping by on mine...gotta say that actress before she was born thing is PRICELESS.

mo.stoneskin said...

Funny. And a complete incident isolated incident (singular) involving squirrels, geese, a mad cow, a camel, and a cat would be brilliant. Suggest you make one up?

I heard a funny story the other day. A family took their new dog Rufus away to a "pet friendly" B&B. Rufus chased a cat into the bathroom, and pissed all over the floor. Steve ran to rescue the cat, and slipped in the wee crashing to the floor. Jane woke up the next morning with Rufus in their bed sniffing her bum. They brought Rufus a sausage back from breakfast. Rufus swallowed it whole, ran into the corner of the room and collapsed. They had to extract the sausage and resuscitate the little chap.

SSP said...

i can't add anything pithy or cute, cuz I am still choking with laughter...vivid and real - what a great story! I look forward to reading more of your blog :-) and thanks for stopping by mine. Maybe I ought to get a dog to add some human interest? I could name him Peckerhead in your honor :-)

Henry the Dog said...

Sorry Diane, I laughed and laughed too. I don't blame Sundance for being scared s***less. Canada Geese are HUGE. Mum's not keen on fowl either. PS: I think pigeons are officially classed as 'vermin'. At least they are in the UK and France.

Amy McMean a.k.a McSunshine said...

OMG! I'm sorry i can't seem to stop laughing. Wow assulted by a goose. So you've been goosed. WOW. I bet that was a sight to see. When you got up did you do that look around and act like nothing happen to make sure no one saw it?