formerly Diane's Addled Ramblings... the ramblings are still addled, just like before, and the URL is still the same...
it's just the title at the top of the page that's new

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

I Want...

My birthday is coming up. Ryan, always obsessed with giving me the perfect gift, asked me last night what I want. As usual, I didn’t know what to tell her, as there is little I want or need. My typical response is, “Whatever you get will be perfect, because you gave it to me.” But that answer isn’t good enough for her (and it really isn’t true, given some of the atrocious things I’ve gotten in the past, like the gargantuan/gaudy earrings I had to wear out of the house so she would see, then leave in the car all day, so no one else would!). She wants to know my heart’s desire and no matter what it is, she’ll do her damnedest to get it for me. Case in point…

A couple of years ago I saw these adorable sheep figurines when I was in England. Now I don’t normally go for stuff like that, as I don’t like clutter, but I have a thing for sheep and these little guys were wearing Wellies and Fair Isle sweaters… too cute. I didn’t get one, though, and I’ve regretted that decision since. Ryan remembered me telling her about them, though I don’t know how, as I only mentioned them once or twice, some time ago. Anyway, at Christmas this year I really couldn’t think of a thing I wanted. After weeks of pestering me, she told me not to worry – that she’d thought of something. A few days later, though, completely crestfallen, she came to me and said she couldn’t find what she wanted to get me and she’d have to think of something else. That afternoon I happened to be on the computer she uses and I looked at her search history (as is my mommy duty) and there were all sorts of look-ups for ‘sheep in sweaters,’ ‘sheep figurines,’ ‘sheep in boots and sweaters.’ I was really touched. Of course it would have been funny had she found them, as I’d have had to make the purchase myself with my own card, or my mom would have had to do it for her, which would have been even funnier, as my mom can’t even check her own email without help. Anyway, as I say, it just goes to show how important it is to Ryan to get me something I really want.

So I told her I’d have a think about my birthday and let her know what I come up with. And I did think about it. And it made me a little sad. And a little angry with myself. And determined to find some of the direction I’ve been lacking in my life of late.

I want…

I want a place where I belong; a place that feels like home.
I want the people I love to live close physically, not just close in my heart.
I want to feel safe.

I want to be kissed in such a way that I forget how to breathe.
I want to be first on someone’s list of priorities.
I want to be loved fiercely and deeply, without condition, reservation, or judgment.

I want to feel that I really matter in the grand scheme of things.
I want to let go of my regrets and failures, after having (finally) learned from them.
I want to let go of the fear that keeps me from living my dreams.

I want a month in a cottage by the sea.
I want to live with nothing but what I really need and really love.
I want to be free from financial worries.

I want health and happiness for everyone important to me… and for those I don’t know.
I want the world to be at peace – tolerant and accepting of all our grand differences.
I want to make a difference… to exemplify, in some way, the change I want to see.

I just want to be the person I know I can be; the person who loves herself the way she wants to be loved; the person who creates a wonderful life – who doesn’t just want it; the person who stops wishing and just does what’s necessary to matter, to make a difference, to thrive, to be happy, and to find safety and security and peace.

But I doubt Ryan can get any of that at Target, so I’ll probably just ask for a new pair of earrings.


Amy McMean a.k.a McSunshine said...

I think those are things we all want, at least I know there are a few (all) things on your list I want.

My best friend asks me what I want for holidays and birthdays and quickly follows the question with "Other then a boyfriend, because I still can't find the Boyfriend store". LOL.

Rachel Cotterill said...

I'm pretty confident that you're #1 on Ryan's list of priority people. Maybe you could ask her to write you a letter with all the stuff that makes you a great mum - it doesn't cost her anything, but you'd have something to treasure for a lifetime. *wanders off to do that for my mum in time for her birthday*

Mama Wheaton said...

Your list made me sad, not for you but for me. I could have written that list. It makes me wonder why I have more wishes that haven't come true than ones that have. How does one go about getting their wishes to come true?

Anonymous said...

Hey honey, I just read your latest post.
I know exactly where you're coming from. What made me slightly fearful is the fact that I might have all those 'wants' when it is too late to have them.
I keep hoping that something magical will happen and I'll be able to start crossing them off the list, one by one. That isn't going to happen. There is no magical event on the horizon.
The only way it's going to happen is if I make it happen. How the hell do I do that?

Obviously if I knew the answer to that question I wouldn't be writing this response!



Jane! said...

Ah, ah! Be careful with the earring suggestion. Remember the last ones?
Personally, I like the coupon books for things like washing my car and winning an arguement. Priceless.

Mel said...

Me too. Plus my favorite pretty boy.

Heather said...

Oh, how similar we really are. Or are those just things that everybody longs for, deep down in their soul? Either way, I hope you are able to achieve them all (and I'm confident that you will.)
You deserve all of the best. :)

creative kerfuffle said...

i like your list and have many of the same wants.
i like the coupon suggestion. is ryan into art/drawing/crafting of any kind? maybe she could make you something? or make you a special birthday dinner? or play you a LOVELY song on her recorder ; ) he he

Shanna said...

I think the BEST gift a kid can give is to vacuum out the car. Seriously I hate to do that!

The sheep sound cute and completely worth the tiny corner of clutter they may induce. :)

A Woman Of No Importance said...

Diane, you are such a sweetie, that is a wonderful post, so open, and you deserve a Parenting award, you are just so cool - Wearing those earrings in the car!

By the way, are these the sheep in wellies from the Ewe and Me Collection by Toni Goffe?

I would be very happy to purchase and parcel something up for you, if you would like that for a birthday giftette! I am Fhina, and I am a clutterholic, so would be pleased to add to yours! xxx

Sometimes Sophia said...

Wow. Your list left me breathless. So many wants and needs that we all share at some point in our lives. You're a good person, and you deserve everything on this list. May you be successful in your desires and attain some measure of peace in the coming year. My heart goes out to you with best wishes and love.

Mommy With a Penis said...

What is it with not knowing what we want? It's the same with me. I feel as if I have all the stuff. Goodwill. Peace. And love. Seem like wonderful things to ask for. But ultimately, how does someone wrap that?


PS MommyWife is no more. New blog title, new address:

Thanks for visiting.

blognut said...

Some of what you have written here makes me think that you have been knocking around in my head again and I thought we talked about that!

I think you can only control some of this stuff, and I think you probably have some of this stuff already, and I think you probably ARE some of the things you want to be. Maybe stop fighting it and just "be", that's what I want for you.

sherri said...

Hey, the first step in getting what you want is KNOWING what you want.

SOme people can't even articulate their own desires.

You have this amazing way of articulating OTHERS' thoughts as well. How DO you do that?

You nailed several of mine.

I'm calling this birthday the best you will ever celebrate!

J Cosmo Newbery said...

Fabulous list. May have to spread it over a few birthdays. Possible Christmas too.

Lee said...

Are you going to let her use your credit card for that one?

Michelle said...

Hi Diane,
You lovely person you!!! Great post and so eloquently said.

Your a special person in this big world who touches everybody you come in contact with, in a good way, not a creepy touchy way!!!

Why do i always go overboard while commenting????

You know how i feel girlie!!!!

When is your BD??

Ronda's Rants said...

Man oh man are you hard to buy for! KIdding!!
I want those things to and many times I have ahd them...maybe not all at the same time but I have had them!
I wish them for you and soon!

Jenners said... are hard to buy for!

I love that your daughter goes to such lengths to find you the perfect gift. I love the bond you guys have ... it touches me so deeply. You really ought to think of some accessible thing and leave some clues lying around or drop hints and let her "surprise" you with something. It will just make her day.

And I wish all those things that you want happen to you. I wish I could make them happen.

gwenlyn said...

Gawd, Diane! First you crack me up and then you reach deep inside and tear me up!

Let me know when you find Anne Lamott; you write like her. (I previously spelled her name wrong.)

Love your blog!

blueviolet said...

My kids hate it when I give that response to their gift idea requests!

What a beautiful set of wishes and I hope every last one of them comes true for you.

Protege said...

I WANT to meet you and your beautiful daughter in person.
Your way with words is extraordinary, the way you describe what you feel, witch such an ease, yet so eloquently.
So talented you truly are.

I understand all "your wants", as they are mine as well.
Loved this post Diane. I wish everything you long for will happen for you. But I know it will.

Pauline said...

Those are all presents you have to give to yourself. Maybe you should just wrap Ryan up and spend a day with her doing something you both love. Or find a couple of those things on your list (like living with nothing but what you really need and love - the two of you can sort through all your things and take the best of them to a homeless shelter, or make a list of your regrets and have a small burning ceremony, symbolically releasing them into the larger world).

Happy soon-to-be-birthday. You've inspired me to make a list of my own. Thanks :)

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

Well, it sounds like she has a great heart and will pick something out for you with love, which will make it amazing no matter what it is.

And your list of what you really want is a complete list of what you deserve, and I hope that you start getting some of it soon.

dec0r8or said...

So what did ya' do there...climb into my head and steal my list? *sigh* You're a wonderful writer. Here's some earrings Ryan can get for you:

geez, sorry about the link!

C. Beth said...

This is really a beautiful blog post. Your daughter's heart comes across so clearly in that story, I just love her without having met her! And your desires make my heart ache. Thank you for the honesty and beauty of your post.

Your blog was recommended to me here, in a post where I asked readers for suggestions of other blogs to check out. I'm glad I read it!

LMN said...

Loved your list of "I wants." I can soooo relate.

And I hope I haven't missed your birthday. Happy early birthday, or late birthday, whichever it is!!

I hope you get a REALLY REALLY great pair of earrings. That you can wear out of the house.