My birthday is coming up. Ryan, always obsessed with giving me the perfect gift, asked me last night what I want. As usual, I didn’t know what to tell her, as there is little I want or need. My typical response is, “Whatever you get will be perfect, because you gave it to me.” But that answer isn’t good enough for her (and it really isn’t true, given some of the atrocious things I’ve gotten in the past, like the gargantuan/gaudy earrings I had to wear out of the house so she would see, then leave in the car all day, so no one else would!). She wants to know my heart’s desire and no matter what it is, she’ll do her damnedest to get it for me. Case in point…
A couple of years ago I saw these adorable sheep figurines when I was in England. Now I don’t normally go for stuff like that, as I don’t like clutter, but I have a thing for sheep and these little guys were wearing Wellies and Fair Isle sweaters… too cute. I didn’t get one, though, and I’ve regretted that decision since. Ryan remembered me telling her about them, though I don’t know how, as I only mentioned them once or twice, some time ago. Anyway, at Christmas this year I really couldn’t think of a thing I wanted. After weeks of pestering me, she told me not to worry – that she’d thought of something. A few days later, though, completely crestfallen, she came to me and said she couldn’t find what she wanted to get me and she’d have to think of something else. That afternoon I happened to be on the computer she uses and I looked at her search history (as is my mommy duty) and there were all sorts of look-ups for ‘sheep in sweaters,’ ‘sheep figurines,’ ‘sheep in boots and sweaters.’ I was really touched. Of course it would have been funny had she found them, as I’d have had to make the purchase myself with my own card, or my mom would have had to do it for her, which would have been even funnier, as my mom can’t even check her own email without help. Anyway, as I say, it just goes to show how important it is to Ryan to get me something I really want.
So I told her I’d have a think about my birthday and let her know what I come up with. And I did think about it. And it made me a little sad. And a little angry with myself. And determined to find some of the direction I’ve been lacking in my life of late.
I want a place where I belong; a place that feels like home.
I want the people I love to live close physically, not just close in my heart.
I want to feel safe.
I want to be kissed in such a way that I forget how to breathe.
I want to be first on someone’s list of priorities.
I want to be loved fiercely and deeply, without condition, reservation, or judgment.
I want to feel that I really matter in the grand scheme of things.
I want to let go of my regrets and failures, after having (finally) learned from them.
I want to let go of the fear that keeps me from living my dreams.
I want a month in a cottage by the sea.
I want to live with nothing but what I really need and really love.
I want to be free from financial worries.
I want health and happiness for everyone important to me… and for those I don’t know.
I want the world to be at peace – tolerant and accepting of all our grand differences.
I want to make a difference… to exemplify, in some way, the change I want to see.
I just want to be the person I know I can be; the person who loves herself the way she wants to be loved; the person who creates a wonderful life – who doesn’t just want it; the person who stops wishing and just does what’s necessary to matter, to make a difference, to thrive, to be happy, and to find safety and security and peace.
But I doubt Ryan can get any of that at Target, so I’ll probably just ask for a new pair of earrings.