formerly Diane's Addled Ramblings... the ramblings are still addled, just like before, and the URL is still the same...
it's just the title at the top of the page that's new

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Brown, It's Just a Color... 7/30/08

This still hurts my heart...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I met a man recently who was very smart, funny, and attractive… I liked him… a lot. We hit it off and for the first time in a while, I allowed myself to hope that I might have found someone with whom I could have a relationship… a long-term relationship. He seemed to share my enthusiasm for our connection… until… he said, “I have a question I’ve been meaning to ask for a while, as it could be an issue down the road…” Uh oh. An ‘issue down the road’ is never a good sign. And then he asked, “Did you marry outside your race? I’ve wondered since I saw a photo of your daughter.” Now, I’d already mentioned that Rob is Hispanic but it must not have registered… I dunno. So I reiterated that fact. I asked why it mattered. He replied that 'race-mixing' is fine for other people but because he believes it brings difficulties upon families, he didn’t want to date anyone who had a mixed-race child and invite those difficulties into his life.

I was stunned. Hurt. Angry. Sick. Sad. How did I miss the fact that this very smart, funny, attractive man, with whom I’d shared hours of conversation, was a bigot? But miss it I did. I understand that lots of people share his view. I know people who do. But I truly believe in my heart that we should invite people into our lives based on their character, integrity, actions, and what’s in their heads and hearts… not based on the color of their skin. There are quality people (and people not worth our time) of all colors. And I don’t see how I can teach my daughter that – teach her that color doesn’t matter but then say, “Oh, by the way, Ry, you can be friends with someone from a different race, but you can’t date or marry them.” That makes me a hypocrite. And though I am a lot of things, I try not to be one of those.

As I say, I know people (quite a few) who think the way he does. I just never thought anyone would apply that way of thinking to MY child – my beautiful, brilliant child, who just happens to tan easily and can barely count to ten in Spanish! And you want to know the most ironic part of this whole situation? HE is the only person who has ever made Ryan’s ethnicity a ‘difficulty’. And while I might be naïve (or maybe ‘hopeful’ is a better word), I truly hope he’ll be the last.

18 comments:

A Woman Of No Importance said...

Diane, as you said yesterday, "Love is blind..." and although it must have broken your heart, Ryan's ethnicity ought not to have mattered a jot to him...

What he failed to understand was - Life's like that - It's difficult - In relationships of the same ethnicity there are probs... As you say, the reality was, he is a bigot, and cutting them out of our lives means we ought not to even give them a backward's glance...

Hope you are doing powerful things, m'lady! xox

lisa said...

People have hang-ups of all sorts.

No one is born a bigot. This is a taught view of people.

Today it was about Ryan, tomorrow, it will be about your Asia friend or Jewish neighbor.

He's defininately not worthy of you.

Rachel Cotterill said...

That's horrid :(

On an academic note, I find it interesting that 'hispanic' is considered a separate race there; here we wouldn't make that distinction.

Mama Wheaton said...

That's awfyl! I'm glad he never got a chance to say something to Ryan.

Comedy Goddess said...

That is really so sad. What a loss of beauty for HIM. Let it go, for you and your daughter.

Ronda's Rants said...

I am surprised everyday by people's ignorance...I wonder why I never see it coming! I think I always look for the best in everyone...I don't know why I am surprised and sad when it comes out!
Lucky you...he is gone!

Michelle said...

Ignorant people have no place in the world!!!

Stay away from them.

Only welcome the goodness in people!!!!

I love you lovely lady!!!

Michelle said...

Has he got blinkers on???

Seems to me that the world is chock a block full of 'Ryan's'....and so it should be.

Grrrr

mo.stoneskin said...

Crumbs, that is nasty.

Kinda odd reading this knowing this is an auto-post...but fun too. ;)

blognut said...

That makes me crazy - and I'm sorry he hurt you, but you're way better off without him.

hautepocket said...

I remember reading this over the summer! Disgusting.

San Diego Momma said...

Wow.

I guess I'm stunned too.

Amazing how you think you know someone, then out of left field, you instantly see THEIR true colors.

Moomby said...

No worries for Ryan. I'm 25 and have yet to have a problem due to my mixed look - unless you count compliments a problem.

Blu said...

I read this before. Sad, he is missing out on some lovely people in the world because he walks down his narrow track.

Annie K said...

I'm sad for his bigotry but I'm glad you found out early on. My best friend (since we were kids) is Mexican and I am just one of the familia. They are wonderful people. She is married to a black man and honestly, we don't see any 'race' thing going on. They are just two of our very close friends who we love spending time with. And your daughter is beautiful by the way. ;)

Henry the Dog said...

I agree with Lisa - nobody is born a bigot. Young pups are very accepting. And anyway, what's 'pure' these days. My mum has english, welsh, irish, italian and a smidgen of german in her. Whereas Uncle Hugh has scottish, welsh, english, and a pinch of arabic. I've even got wolf in me somewhere:)

LMN said...

Ohhh!! That hurts my heart, too. Good for you for moving on - there is no looking back at that one! What a sad lesson for him to learn, or perhaps never learn.

It reminds me, the ONLY time I EVER yelled at my ex-husband, was after I discovered he had forwarded emails, participating in "gay-bashing" with some homophobic, ridiculous guys friends of his. I was sickened. Literally sickened. And I yelled at him, LOUD, and then left the house. I couldn't believe this person I had LOVED (for seven years!) had kept this part of himself from my view. Ick.

There is no looking back on that one, either.

Here's to moving forward. And finding other people just like YOU in this life. Loving, supportive, open-minded.

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