formerly Diane's Addled Ramblings... the ramblings are still addled, just like before, and the URL is still the same...
it's just the title at the top of the page that's new

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Rules, Rules, Rules...

Dear Little Old Lady Who Is This Close to Having Her License Revoked,

Let me begin by saying that it is not my intention to hurt your feelings. I think you’re cute as a button and I’m sure you’re the sweetest grandma to ever walk the planet. I am. I just wish you’d walk more and drive less. But since I see you nearly every day in that roller skate with seatbelts you’re trying to pass off as a car, I’m guessing that’s not going to be the case. As such, I wanted to give you a little refresher course on Virginia driving rules. I'm guessing it’s been a while since you perused the manual, eh?

Rule #1: When you are making a turn and the person on the cross-street has the stop sign, it is up to you to go. The person who stopped at that sign did so because she (and by ‘she’ I mean ‘me’) was required by law to do so. Sitting in the middle of the road, waiting for her to go is pointless, as she will not (because she knows as soon as she gives up on you and pulls into the intersection, you will choose that moment to make your turn). Bottom line: if you don’t see a stop sign, a red traffic light, another car mere inches in front of you, blue lights flashing behind you, or a person or large farm animal in the road, do not stop.

Rule #2: As alluded to in Rule #1, you are only required to stop at red lights. Green lights mean you can go. This is an important rule. The person behind you is trusting that you know this rule and, as such, you will not simply stop in the middle of the road for no good reason, causing her to slam on her brakes, spill her Diet Pepsi, and swear (loudly) in front of her 9-year-old. And so you know, stopping in the middle of the road for no good reason is not a good idea. Ever.

Rule #3: When changing lanes, it is generally a good idea (and by ‘good idea’ I mean ‘imperative’) to look first, in order to be certain no one else is occupying the lane you wish to enter. When you don’t look first and simply change lanes, the person who is already in the lane you are entering is forced to slam on her brakes, spill her Diet Pepsi, and swear in front of her 9-year-old (again).

Rule #4: You should not leave your blinkers on for indefinite periods of time. It makes it difficult for the drivers behind you to know exactly when you plan to turn or change lanes (see Rule #3 for why this is important). If your blinker is stuck, please get it fixed. The Aamco station on Reservoir Street has good rates and friendly service.

Rule #5: You must be able to see over your steering wheel in order to drive effectively. If you can no longer do so, a booster seat is in order. Since the Pigsknuckle phone book is not thick enough to function as such, you’ll need to take a trip to Target. Booster seats are in the toddler aisle.

Rule #6: Speed limits are set for a reason. Everyone knows it’s not good to go over them, of course, but what you might not realize is that driving significantly under them isn’t safe either. For example: when you are driving 10mph in a 35mph zone, the person behind you gets aggravated and tends to ride your bumper (I’m sure you’ve noticed this on numerous occasions… or you would, if you ever looked in your rearview mirror). So when you stop at that green light (again), she is forced (again) to slam on her brakes to avoid rear-ending you, (again) spilling her Diet Pepsi and swearing. See? Frustrating, unnecessary, and quite unsafe.

Rule #7: Pedestrians pretty much always have the right-of-way. This is especially true when they are in a cross-walk and you have a red light (remember, red means stop). And even when they don't have the right of way, it's still best to stop when they walk in front of your car (see Rule #1). Not doing so causes a mess... true, sometimes it's just in the pedestrian's pants (like that man from the other day on Main Street... remember?) but it's always a mess.

OK, I think that’s about it. For now. I'll review rules again as necessary. That, or I'll slash all your tires, steal your distributor cap, and put sugar in your gas tank. Right, thanks so much for your time and attention! Take care and drive safely!

Love,

Diane

PS… I hope you enjoy your 99th birthday party!

32 comments:

Tabitha in Bliss said...

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Heather said...

You had me laughing the entire way though. I know it's probably not so funny when you're the one stuck behind this little old woman, but for us, it's comic gold. So, thanks for that. :)

Protege said...

Hehe, Diane, I take it you get stuck behind this dear little old lady a lot.;)
Or are we talking a multitude of ladies here?
My only wish is that this post could be made into a bumper sticker, so I could put it on my car. As I drive among dear little old ladies like that as well (and sometimes dear little old gentlemen as well).;))

Soda and Candy said...

Hahahhaha

The next time you get stuck behind her, just take deep breaths and think "Bloggy gold, bloggy gold..."

People where I live don't seem to get the whole indicator thing. They either don't use them at all, or put them on about 3 streets before they want to make their turn.

kristi said...

Seriously! How do they see the road if their head is below the steering wheel??

Old folks and cell phone users KILL me!

Moomby said...

hee hee! awesome post! I was cracking up throughout the whole thing, yet at the same time getting stressed out because this lady's sister is driving around orange county. oh, and do you mean Toyota echo when you say rollerskate on wheels? I actually like to call them pregnant rollerskates.

Sam_I_am said...

I think you need to work for the DMV. ;-)

blognut said...

Oh, Honey! You've been rummaging around in my half of the brain again, haven't you?

Is it possible that she is violating Rule #4 unintentionally. 'Cause if she's like the 99 year-old that I frequently find myself stuck behind, she's not trying to tell you that she's turning left or right at the next opportunity, she's simply informing you that it is her intent to travel around the world to the right or left.

PS. I'm totally sympathetic to the pain you must feel when you spill Diet Pepsi. It's the worst feeling, really.

blognut said...

I forgot to mention that I can totally recommend a booster phone book for this lady so she doesn't have to go to unnecessary expense.

Did I mention that I'm not very tall?

Jenera said...

Oh boy, in my neck of the woods, it's not just the old ladies that drive this way. Man, it's terrible!

A Woman Of No Importance said...

I loved the booster 'phone book, Diane! Hilarious!

I think you need to go full-on Ben Hur now, get spikes fitted to your car's hub caps, just like Charlton Heston's chariot, and take the old miserywitch out!

I know it's what she would have wanted... xxx

Jane! said...

I'm kinda of the opinion that once your head can't be seen from behind - and hats don't count - you should probably turn over the keys.
That way the rest of us can be sure that erratically moving cars that appear to be driverless, really ARE driverless.
Good luck with educating great granny!

Sometimes Sophia said...

Please, just take away my license if my driving disintegrates to this level. My mom is going out with a 90-year who drives through stop signs - albeit at 10 mph. I used to worry about my kids when they were learning how to drive. Now, with my mother, I'm focused on end-of-life experiences. Pun intended.

"Greenfingers" said...

So true Diane! This made me laugh as a person at work was telling me today how his 93 year old granddad still drives!! You wouldn't except a lift from him apparently!

Anonymous said...

Dear young whipper-snapper,

thank you for the update on the driving rules. Now let me reintroduce you to a few rules you seem to have forgotten yourself.

Rule #1 - Respect your elders. I have driven and been driven in cars (front seat and back) longer than you have been weened from your mother's teat. SO show me some respect here, would ya?

Rule #2 - Don't tailgate. I control my speed and I drive at the rate of speed that is comfortable for me. If you have to jam your brakes and spill your Diet Pepsi then you must have a problem controlling your speed (and I'll wager that your 9 year old can swear better than you these days, I've seen what all you young 'uns call parenting).

Rule #3 - If you aren't wearing a uniform and a badge, then you are a road rager. Seriously, take a chill pill, honey. Did someone forget to take their Xanax this morning??

Rule #4 - Money rules! My car is paid for entirely. My insurance is up to date and I can hit anything I like and it is covered. SO when you see me looking like I want to change lanes, I suggest you make some room, because I am coming over.

Rule #5 - Outwit, outplay and outlast! I have buried six husbands.....so far. And this is not by accident. We leave our blinkers on and stop for no reason just to keep you kids confused. If we didn't, you all would be doing a hundred and fifty through the school zones. And for your information, we aren't hard of hearing, it is just our way of ignoring you punk kids.

Rule #6 - Drive by braile! I go ten miles per hour so I can bounce off of anything in my path and still carem down the road with out major injuries. And I know what you drive now, so I'll be looking for your car to be parked on the street.

Thanks again for the update, now I am late for bingo. Ciao!

Maria Abuella (aka OOYSA)

Stu Pidasso said...

You know I'm just kiding right?? And I do like your post, it is funnny!

OOYSA

Amy McMean a.k.a McSunshine said...

I enjoyed this post. My favorite part is the "i'll slash your tires part". Maybe you could claim seld defense if you were caught. Tell them it was more of a public service then property damage.

mo.stoneskin said...

Mind if I print of a zillion copies? Every driver I see on our roads needs a copy of this post!

Cathy Winsby said...

Hilarious but oh so true!! We should all have to take the test every ten years or so just to make sure we're still able....not that I really want to!!

sherri said...

I SWEAR I HAVE NOT BEEN DRIVING IN PIGSNUCKLE, ALTHOUGH HER SKILLS AND MINE SOUND QUITE FAMILIAR.

Shanna said...

Listen to you! Picking on poor defensless little old women! You should be ashamed of yourself!

Seriously though? I think all her crazy old relatives (and their great grandchildren) live in the state of Texas!

Poor Ryan having to listen to such LANGUAGE! ;) LOLOL!!

Andy said...

Now that is a nice list- you really hit all the major points I'd hit when it comes to elderly drivers.
I'm more afraid of old people driving than I am of people using cell phones and driving. This is another reason I am afraid of getting old. That, and Depends.

Rachel Cotterill said...

Rule #8: Please try to commit these rules to memory; stopping to look them up every time you approach a traffic light is not going to help Diane's sanity (and/or swearing)

HLiza said...

This is hillarious! Ha ha ha!
But yes, it made me swear to if I come across that old lady. I'm a Speedy Contessa..I can't stand slow drivers..but this one is worst than them!

Michelle said...

Oh god yes.....

Rule number 8 - do not ever make a right hand turn from a left hand lane! (we are backwards in Australia)

Sooooo funny :)

blueviolet said...

They're everywhere! I can't get away from them.

Lee said...

I thought Pigsknuckle was excused from applying the normal rules of the universe. (?)

Michelle said...

Ok Diane that was me!! I thought I was doing the right thing and thanks for calling me short!!!!

LOVE YA GIRLIE!!!

CJ said...

I loved this. Although this kind of thing happens everywhere (I live in Cowsuckle), I noticed that close to my mother's home, people wanting to pull out from a side street just sit there while I am 40 yards away, and thirty yards away, and twenty yards away. They wait until I am five feet from the side street to gun the accelerator and pull out in front of me. Once they are in front of me, they slow to 10 mph. Although this happens occasionally elsewhere, it happens every time I am in my mother's neighborhood (about 25 miles from Cowsuckle.) Must be something in the water!

Jelica said...

A very funny post, Diane--you have a great style.

Jenners said...

Ok...you need to have a greatest hits list and this MUST be on it! So so so funny!

Blogger said...

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