I swear someone pushed the fast forward button on life recently! The days and weeks have just been whipping past and I’ve been left, turning in circles, mumbling, ‘What? Huh? Who? When? Huh?’ Blognut told me yesterday that Thanksgiving is next week! What? Huh? When? Seriously?! Turns out, she was right! Well, crap. That means Christmas isn’t very far away. Actually, I sort of knew that since, on my walk through the neighborhood with Sundance the other night, I saw four Christmas trees all lit up inside peoples’ houses (yes, I’m a peeker… not to be confused with ‘peeper’, which implies perversion… or ‘pecker’, which implies something else entirely). Anyway, WTF?! Although I don’t think I’m a particularly grouchy person as a rule (honest!), I’m the first to admit that I could totally do without Christmas. Period. For loads of reasons, many of which I’ll probably tell you about in the month to come. But even when I’m not feeling particularly Grinchy, there’s no way in hell I’d put up my tree before Thanksgiving. That’s just wrong. Wrong, I tell you! I think people who have that much holiday cheer ought to be exiled to the North Pole. Damn it. And I’m bracing myself for the onslaught of non-stop Christmas music on the radio starting next Thursday. Actually, in an effort to keep from sticking sharp objects in my ears, I’ll wind up listening to nothing but CDs for a month. It’s a lot better than hearing that stupid ‘Christmas Shoes’ song ninety-eleven times a day. It makes me want to hurl. Shoes. At children. And old people. And Carrie Underwood’s ‘Jesus Take the Wheel’ song? Lordy (no pun intended)! I’d like Jesus to take Carrie Underwood… and beat her senseless with that wheel.
I told you I’m a Grinch.
Someday I’ll be able to travel to exotic locations and spend every Christmas lounging on a beach somewhere, with Julio, my muscular and ever-so-attentive cabana boy, bringing me fruity, tequila-laced drinks ‘til the stars come out, after which I’ll bask in the glow of the moon, while my bronzed god (that'd be Julio again) feeds me coconut-encrusted shrimp and fresh mango. Sigh. Until then? I guess it’ll be a few trips to Target, to spend money I don’t have on things no one needs, which I’ll wrap in expensive, pointless paper that only gets ripped off and thrown in the garbage…