formerly Diane's Addled Ramblings... the ramblings are still addled, just like before, and the URL is still the same...
it's just the title at the top of the page that's new

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Fa La La La La... oh, bite me

I swear someone pushed the fast forward button on life recently! The days and weeks have just been whipping past and I’ve been left, turning in circles, mumbling, ‘What? Huh? Who? When? Huh?’ Blognut told me yesterday that Thanksgiving is next week! What? Huh? When? Seriously?! Turns out, she was right! Well, crap. That means Christmas isn’t very far away. Actually, I sort of knew that since, on my walk through the neighborhood with Sundance the other night, I saw four Christmas trees all lit up inside peoples’ houses (yes, I’m a peeker… not to be confused with ‘peeper’, which implies perversion… or ‘pecker’, which implies something else entirely). Anyway, WTF?! Although I don’t think I’m a particularly grouchy person as a rule (honest!), I’m the first to admit that I could totally do without Christmas. Period. For loads of reasons, many of which I’ll probably tell you about in the month to come. But even when I’m not feeling particularly Grinchy, there’s no way in hell I’d put up my tree before Thanksgiving. That’s just wrong. Wrong, I tell you! I think people who have that much holiday cheer ought to be exiled to the North Pole. Damn it. And I’m bracing myself for the onslaught of non-stop Christmas music on the radio starting next Thursday. Actually, in an effort to keep from sticking sharp objects in my ears, I’ll wind up listening to nothing but CDs for a month. It’s a lot better than hearing that stupid ‘Christmas Shoes’ song ninety-eleven times a day. It makes me want to hurl. Shoes. At children. And old people. And Carrie Underwood’s ‘Jesus Take the Wheel’ song? Lordy (no pun intended)! I’d like Jesus to take Carrie Underwood… and beat her senseless with that wheel.

I told you I’m a Grinch.

Someday I’ll be able to travel to exotic locations and spend every Christmas lounging on a beach somewhere, with Julio, my muscular and ever-so-attentive cabana boy, bringing me fruity, tequila-laced drinks ‘til the stars come out, after which I’ll bask in the glow of the moon, while my bronzed god (that'd be Julio again) feeds me coconut-encrusted shrimp and fresh mango. Sigh. Until then? I guess it’ll be a few trips to Target, to spend money I don’t have on things no one needs, which I’ll wrap in expensive, pointless paper that only gets ripped off and thrown in the garbage…

Bah.

Hum-shit.

23 comments:

f1trey said...

:)

Heather, aka Jake's Mommy said...

While I am a self-professed Christmas lover, I would totally choose Julio and his exotic location and bronzed biceps ANY DAY!!!! Oh, and no Christmas decorations until AT LEAST after Thanksgiving. I'm considering TPing the yard in the neighborhood that has already had up outside lights and decor for a week. Would that be immature of me? Or, is it illegal?

Shanna said...

LOL awwww!! The Christmas music here started on the radio last night sometime - it was on when my alarm went off this morning. I
I hear ya on the buying of junk tho - I'm trying to keep it super simple this year...and as far as the paper goes? Well, maybe recycling it will make you feel a little better?

blognut said...

Wow.

I'm playing Christmas music on my CD player right now.

I hum Jingle Bells and Rudolph all year long.

I am salivating with anticipation of the Christmas movie-a-thons that start on the Family Channel next week.

I own A Christmas Story and watch it year 'round. Same with A Year Without a Santa Claus, Rudolph, Charlie Brown Christmas, The Santa Claus I, II, and III, ad nauseum. I LOVE IT!!!

Not the buying shit and spending money part, though. Well, sorta. I like buying shit, I don't like that it costs money.

ILY, ya' Crab Ass!

Protege said...

Ah Diane, your posts are always so entertaining.;)
I know that this time of the year is very difficult for you and always will be... Sorry about that.
But I am happy that you keep your great sense of humour.;)
xoxo
Zuzana

~jill said...

bah..hum-shit.....lol

as the kids have gotten older, we've really taken back the holidays. it's about dinner parties and family outings. the gifts are few and meaningful.

and the music? The Rat Pack Christmas album plays pretty much non-stop until New years.

SSP said...

i am SO with you. I almost threw up when i heard the first holiday ad, before halloween. And I am NOT buying wrapping paper this year. I fished some out of the garbage after christmas last year - perfectly good stuff that someone threw away...WTF? shhhh don't tell it is recycled - no one knows but you and me (and the 9000 other people who read your blog!!)

Jean said...

ahhhh, a kindred spirit.
thank you thank you!!

bearly domesticated boneman said...

well, as for the aging process, I've taken the bull by the horns and got gored because I'm too old to play with bulls.
HA!

http://www.humortimes.com/forum/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=137

This is my new scientific thesis on the event, but then, it doesn't help that there are commercials starting in mid October selling Christmas songs and cheery bells.
These vultures are just using an ideal to sell their goods, though.
Bah! Humbug!
Oh fooey! Now I've just done it.
(Christmas Carol, by Dickens)
(The dickens you say!)

Well maybe some people aren't aware that sometimes folk can be TOO cheerful.
Course, I laugh everytime I hear that, because I like to laugh.
HA!
d=))
By the way, for a special present? The art store (not Michael's...They're full of Xmas ) and find homemade papers with leaves and butterflies in them. Nobody will throw THAT paper away!
For good friends and family? The Sunday Funnies! Or go buy a funny comic book. Again, they'll remember the wrapping long after they break the, uh...I dunno. Toaster? Coffee grinder? Salad shooter?

bearly domesticated boneman said...

(ps, I'm always amazed you don't write over at Humor Times, too)

Oh My Goddess said...

I feel so much better now just thinking of my future attentive young God of a cabana boy.

What were we talking about?

justsomethoughts... said...

peeker, peeper, pecker, it’s all the same.

Ive got one thing to tell you diane.

HAVE A HOLLY JOLLY……!!!!!

Not nice. I know.
Sorry.

You’re an adorable grinch.

Regina H said...

Okay I just read your blog out loud to my husband (who is your twin in thinking, by the way). He is laughing because I am going to confess....I am one of those annoying people you hate. We eat dinner at my in laws house just so I don't randomly get up from the Thanksgiving dinner table to start setting up the tree. I get no help in decorating as I insist on doing it all on Thanksgiving night. I have two trres (one for upsatirs in the foyer) and one for the living room. The one upstairs has a theme that I think about and plan months ahead of time and I make everyone come and see it and try to think of the theme. It isn't always so obvious. Anyway, I love to wrap, bake cookies, listen to Christmas music all day (much to the dismay of my family) and plan holiday parties. We have a holiday neighborhood progressive dinner with a gift exchange, cookie exchange with my book club, faculty party Christmas party which I organize, well and then there are parties to attend...hahaha! The list just goes on and on. BUT here is the part where you realize that our friendship is worth maintaining...THE DAY after Christmas it is all gone! I put it all away just as quickly as it all appeared as it to me becomes clustersome (is that a word?) and so it MUST GO! So, there it is, in print. The honest truth!

Anonymous said...

I of course have to ask why you will spend the money you don't have on the things no one needs? I get it when it comes to Ryan, but seriously, why do it if you can't afford it/don't enjoy it/don't really care, etc ?

Oh, and I say check out the Trans-Siberian Orchestra for some Christmas music.

hebba said...

"Christmas Shoes" and "Jesus take the wheel"? Wow. You just made me super glad I don't live in the south anymore and you have to ACTIVELY search for country stations here!!

Pauline said...

the night before Christmas wrap boxes of Crayola crayons in love letters you've written to the recipients - the holidays done and dusted... and fun for all ;)

Julio said...

Chu are welcome down here any time, my little chimichanga. I keep zee beach chair and suntan lotion at zee ready.

Knucklehead said...

Jeez, I crack myself up.

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