formerly Diane's Addled Ramblings... the ramblings are still addled, just like before, and the URL is still the same...
it's just the title at the top of the page that's new

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Deep Water

Have you ever had a conversation that suddenly, without any warning, illuminated something about yourself -- something you'd been doing or causing or creating, without even fully realizing it -- and illuminated it so clearly, you felt like a complete and utter idiot when you saw it?

That just happened to me.

I am on a perpetual path of self-discovery but I've realized there are things about myself I simply don't want to acknowledge... because then I'd have to make a choice (gah!) to either deal with them... or ignore them.

And dealing with them would be hard.

And ignoring them would make me feel like a failure and quite the opposite of self-discovered.

Self-hidden?

Whatever. You know what I mean.

You're curious, aren't you?

OK, for the last couple of years, I have been finding myself attracted to men who are unavailable -- whether it's because they live too far way, or they're emotionally or psychologically not ready for real, grown-up relationships, or their life or work or family situations won't permit them to enter into relationships.

Simply put, they are not free.

And that? For me?

Is safe.

I don't have to risk.

Anything.

Except time. And we all know there is precious little of that in anyone's life.

I never have to really try. I never really get hurt. But I never really experience the joy that comes with true intimacy either.

Oh, I get the benefit of the attention, from a distance... the flattery... the comfortable (and sometimes exciting) repartee...

But that's not tangible... it's not tactile...

And it's not enough.

Now I have to work out why I do this. I know part of the story, which is about someone else and the intense desire to avoid hurting someone I care deeply about... but I know it's only part. There is more to my reluctance (fear?) than I'm acknowledging. 

More self-discovery is in order, methinks.

It's time to get down off the high ground; it's time to get wet; it's time to surrender to the current...

And swim.

5 comments:

Lisa said...

Self discovery can be an interesting if alarming thing. It challenges the meaning of 'blame' 'guilt' and 'boundaries'.
I have been on that path since about 2005/6 when i first started blogging. Having a defining subject such as relationships will help but it will also take you places you just don't want to be.
To be truly comfortable in our skin takes practice but is attainable. Looking forward to reading alot more about this 'Pilgrimage to Diane' Lisa x

dianne said...

This is a very interesting post about self discovery. I too seem to choose men who are unattainable and some of the men I have chosen have completely surprised me. There have only been two, one who was completely wrong for me, I can see that now, though I was very hurt at the time. There was no relationship, he was just an acquaintance whom I was drawn to.
The other drifts in and out of my life, not my real life, my blogging life. Over the years I have become very fond of him, he is a gentleman, we share many interests, he is someone I would love to meet but I know that will never happen. He does not see me as a romantic interest only as a friend. I am so happy when he is around but when he leaves it makes me very sad. I never know when he will return.
I have been on my own now for such a long time, I don't know how I would cope with a real relationship and intimacy. I am quite comfortable in my own skin though loneliness haunts me sometimes.
Good luck on your journey and definitely write more poetry.
xoxoxo ♡

SSP said...

I COMPLETELY get that!!! not sure I even WANT someone in my life at this point, I am so set in my ways. I was recently told, by a guy i went to high school with (who was hitting on me 35 years too late), that I was "intimidating and hard to approach!" It hurt my feelings for a minute, but then I realized I had been told about the same thing by other guys in the past and it kinda made sense and when I was done crying that I had run off all the ones I wanted cuz I was so intimidating, I wondered if that had always been my real problem...i have always had guy friends, but I've never been the flirty, girly, bat my eye lashes kinda damsel...and maybe that is just a defense mechanism to keep from letting them get close enough to hurt me? Sadly, it has worked, and NO one has EVERY really broken my heart (other than those unrequited loves that married other girls and turned out to be GAY!). Falling for guys who live far away has been my problem too...I know I am the one in control of it too.

Hang in there Diane. The right one is out there...and if he isn't, you don't need him....that's what I keep telling myself, anyway.....

dianne said...

A friend once sent me a quote, "It takes a good man to replace no man at all", I think that is good advice.
xoxoxo ♡

Live More Now said...

Ahhh yes. I too am always on a path of self discovery and facing some of the tough stuff, is well TOUGH. Certain thought patterns, certain self-limiting beliefs, etc. We all have our hurdles. At least you have recognized yours! Now the fun begins of jumping it. I know you can.