Have you ever had a conversation that suddenly, without any warning, illuminated something about yourself -- something you'd been doing or causing or creating, without even fully realizing it -- and illuminated it so clearly, you felt like a complete and utter idiot when you saw it?
That just happened to me.
I am on a perpetual path of self-discovery but I've realized there are things about myself I simply don't want to acknowledge... because then I'd have to make a choice (gah!) to either deal with them... or ignore them.
And dealing with them would be hard.
And ignoring them would make me feel like a failure and quite the opposite of self-discovered.
Whatever. You know what I mean.
You're curious, aren't you?
OK, for the last couple of years, I have been finding myself attracted to men who are unavailable -- whether it's because they live too far way, or they're emotionally or psychologically not ready for real, grown-up relationships, or their life or work or family situations won't permit them to enter into relationships.
Simply put, they are not free.
And that? For me?
I don't have to risk.
Except time. And we all know there is precious little of that in anyone's life.
I never have to really try. I never really get hurt. But I never really experience the joy that comes with true intimacy either.
Oh, I get the benefit of the attention, from a distance... the flattery... the comfortable (and sometimes exciting) repartee...
But that's not tangible... it's not tactile...
And it's not enough.
Now I have to work out why I do this. I know part of the story, which is about someone else and the intense desire to avoid hurting someone I care deeply about... but I know it's only part. There is more to my reluctance (fear?) than I'm acknowledging.
More self-discovery is in order, methinks.
It's time to get down off the high ground; it's time to get wet; it's time to surrender to the current...