formerly Diane's Addled Ramblings... the ramblings are still addled, just like before, and the URL is still the same...
it's just the title at the top of the page that's new

Friday, January 10, 2014

Be Brave, Little Girl

When Ryan was little, she was fearless. Fearless. Nothing at all fazed her. I was amazed at her bravery... until I realized that she didn't know she had reason to fear. She was safe and loved and protected... she knew that if she ventured farther than her comfort zone, she always had my arms to come back to, and that made everything OK.

But things changed during our first visit to Disney. She was four... and she was so excited to go. For weeks, she spoke of nothing but the teacup ride in the Magic Kingdom. But while we were standing in line, she spotted Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee at the ride's exit...

And her first real fear was realized.

She wigged. Completely. She would have nothing to do with the teacup ride... or with any other ride or part of the park at which there were big costumed characters present. And if you've ever been to Disney, you know they are everywhere.

The Magic Kingdom? Yeah. Not so magical.

I couldn't understand it. I explained they were just people in costumes. I told her they wouldn't come near her if she didn't want them to. I promised to punch anyone who touched her (I was getting desperate).

Nope. Not good enough. For the first time since she was born, I could not make a bad situation better.

I could not assuage the fear.

And I didn't know how to handle that. And it made me... mad.

Looking back on that trip, I feel terrible that I lost my patience with her. I didn't know how to handle a fear I knew she simply needed to face to get over. And I didn't know how to handle the fact that I could not make it better. I felt helpless.

...

Today, I had my regular appointment with my oncologist at the cancer center.

And I realized that the hospital is my (not so) Magic(al) Kingdom.

My oncologist? The cancer center?

My Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee.


I know they're there to help me. I do.

But I can't assuage the fear. And I don't know how to handle that. And it makes me mad.

And the thing is? I face it... because I have to. But facing this fear isn't making it better.

Yet.

I have to hope that it will... in time.

I won't be four-years-old forever, after all.

5 comments:

Cheri @ Blog This Mom!® said...

Standing by with love.

Diane said...

XOXO

Karen Jensen said...

Bravery is knowing fear and doing what you have to do anyway. I'm sending love, brave woman.

Jennifer J. said...

Thinking of you and knowing that you're braver than most!

Sheila said...

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, "I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along." You must do the thing you think you cannot do. - Eleanor Roosevelt

Sending you love and light~