formerly Diane's Addled Ramblings... the ramblings are still addled, just like before, and the URL is still the same...
it's just the title at the top of the page that's new

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Writer's Workshop: The First Time...

It's Wednesday evening again (is it me or is time flying right now?!)... time for Kathy's Writer's Workshop over at Mama's Losin' It. If you've never participated and you find yourself stuck for a post, this is a great way to unblock!

This week I chose, The First Time...

The first time I suspected my husband was cheating, I suddenly forgot how to breathe. I ached, body and soul, in a way I had never known. And part of my heart, part of my spirit, died.

But the first time wasn’t the last time. And each time, I told myself I was wrong. I tried to convince myself I was overreacting; that he would never betray me – never hurt me in such a profound way. But still, part of me died. You see, deep down, in that place at my core – that place I don’t like to look when I know the truth will hurt – I knew. And even though I knew, I let him laugh at me and tell me I was crazy. I let him make me feel stupid for asking – for listening to my instincts, my intuition, my gut. I let him lie. And I willed myself to believe, to accept, to trust.

No matter what I tried to believe, part of me died… because I knew... because he betrayed me… because I betrayed myself. And my betrayal was far worse than his. I stopped trusting myself. I saw only my shortcomings, my failings, my weaknesses. I became less than I was. The person looking back at me from the mirror became unrecognizable. I lost me.

But hearts and spirits have extraordinary wills to live, even when they're weak and tired... and the last time eventually came. I finally stopped letting him laugh. I stopped letting him lie; letting him make me feel stupid and crazy. I stopped believing him; stopped trusting him. I started trusting myself again. Shadowy glimpses of me began to appear in the mirror. In time, the shadows took form – wavering and unsteady, but tangible. And suddenly, I remembered how to breathe.

After some time, I buried the part of myself that died. I grieved and I finally accepted the loss. I accepted that death, in all forms, is a part of life. And I realized that the heart and the spirit are astonishing, wondrous entities… they are capable of rebirth; they have an amazing ability to grow and become stronger than they were.

And then, for the first time in a long time, I set about the business of forgiving myself; of rediscovering my innate strength and worth; of becoming even more than I was before; of finding me. I set about the business of breathing. I set about the business of living.

32 comments:

Heinous said...

First!

Heinous said...

I feel so sorry that that happened to you. You, of all people, never deserved that.

You've got your revenge in the strong and wonderful person you've become though.

Anonymous said...

You brought up so old feelings.
You could have been writing about me in another lifetime. Time does heal. I learned instead of asking "what's wrong with me?" to ask "what's right with him?" it sure helped with the moving on.
So very sorry that you went through all of that.

Heather's M

Shanna said...

Poignently written. I love the way you captured finding yourself again and then being able to bury the old you and learn to accept the new you - which is a wonderful strong happy and stable mom raising a great girl! :)

The Odd Duck said...

For once the motormouth is speechless.

You are a brand new Diane, one who I am very proud to know. I'm sure any of your other friends and family would agree with me.

Ronda's Rants said...

I am sorry that happened to you but I am happy that you used it to make a stronger, wiser, more fearless you!

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

That is one thing that I just can't tolerate: a man treating a strong, beautiful woman like shit. You are that strong, beautiful woman and he never deserved you, obviously. But you got your beautiful daughter out of it, so God had a plan.

Andy said...

So Haute pointed out how much of an idiot I was today. Sweet Lord. It's not like I didn't know it was Diane, as I've sung your praises far and wide. As I told Haute, I had just talked to a Donna, which messed me up when commenting.
I'm an idiot. I will make it up to you, somehow. You name it.

Lee said...

A few firsts there. I'm sorry you went through it but you seem stronger for it. And a good bunch of friends around you too.

Red Cup Mom said...

That's a hard thing to share. But thank you for sharing. It is devastating for any relationship really when the trust is skewed.

So we have happy bloggy Diane with us, right? You keep on going girl and blog when the going gets tough!

I am proud of you for getting through this and got back on track with your life. : )

J Cosmo Newbery said...

Look, this is a bit embarrassing and certainly not my normal thing but I was awarded an Kreative Blogger award and as part of my duties as nominee, and not wanting to suffer alone, I am passing the parcel on to you as a well deserving and creative blogger.

Protege said...

Diane, what a touching post; and not an easy one to write. It is so devastating to be deceived and abandoned. And it is difficult to trust again, once that happens.
I am happy that you found the strength to bounce back.:)

Heather said...

I am so glad you found that your strenth lies in yourself, not someone else. Someone who treated you so terribly. You wrote so beautifully about the pain and betrayal, but I know that at the time, it was anything but beautiful. Thank you for sharing a glimpse of that, part of your soul, with us.
You are such a strong, wonderful person and you deserve nothing but the best.

La Pixie said...

that post was me about two years ago. I cried when I read it. I never realized how strong I was until I went through it. and I wasnt married to him.

can I ask a question? does the pain of all that ever completely go away?

Mel said...

I don't have anything to say that hasn't been said before, by me or someone else. I know sometimes things are tough now, but I also know you're better off without him. He was an anchor weighing you down.

Simply AnonyMom said...

I remember going through those emotuions feelings "a life time ago" with my first husband. You wrote it so beautifully. THank you for sharing.

Kelly said...

Thank you for sharing! I am fortunate enough not to have gone through this particular situation! But hopefully through your sharing you have helped many others out there in blogland!

Brittany said...

Hey Miss 17 comments, not too shabby yourself! See what commenting gets you?

Me.

Not much of a prize, huh.

Amy McMean a.k.a McSunshine said...

Cheers to the brand new you! you make us all proud. Sometimes we lose focus of ourselves because we just want to believe that the person we cared about is someone they just aren't anymore.

Mama Wheaton said...

Wow! That was and is a powerful piece of writing. Thank you for sharing it.

Sometimes Sophia said...

An outstanding post. It's sad that once trust goes there is no way to ever completely repair it. Thank goodness you survived those tough times, only to become someone stronger and better.

Anonymous said...

Sometime ago Diane wrote a blog entry about dating and the dates she had been on. I believe she mentioned three guys she had been on dates with. I believe I was one of those mentioned.

Although things didn't work out as we both had hoped I can tell you all, and the cheating ex-husband , one thing. Diane is an amazing woman. Diane is an amazing mother. OK that's two things. I count Diane as my closest friend. She understand me better than any other person on this planet and I love her dearly. Her ex-husband went looking for something else. Why? I have no f**king idea. Diane is simply a wonderful human being and this world is far better for having her in it. I truly hope she is my friend until the day I die.

Col.

Sera said...

Wow, this is a great post. You write so well, and you sound like such a strong woman. You go, girl.

San Diego Momma said...

So poignant and well written.

I had a cheating boyfriend in my 20s and that was the worst thing ever, I relate to everything you wrote. OF course, it's nothing compared to how you feel when the cheater is your husband.

I'm glad you're rid of him and breathing again.

Denise said...

AMAZING!!!!! I LOVED this post! Thank you for sharing!

Carrin said...

You put into words exactly how I felt went the same thing happend to me. Thank you for sharing your story and your feelings.

Drama Mama said...

You were my very FIRST comment on my Vent Space blog and I remember you commented that our stories were so much alike! How true you were! This post made me think ALOT about myself! I have been searching for something and I dont know what exactly. I dont feel like ME anymore! I can't grab on to things and I feel like I am constatly spinning out of control in search of ME! I hope that one day I will find myself in this chaos of a failed marriage. A marriage that I thought would be forever.

Sugar Sweet Thoughts said...

I commend you for being able to share this difficult story. It goes to show that you really have moved past it... buried it, grieved it, and accepted the loss.

Amen to you finding yourself in the end!

Melissa said...

I'm glad you found yourself again!! I went through the same thing (it seems like you and I have experienced alot of things in common). I had "the feeling" and he denied it at first-- but then he admitted to it ALL when I was 35 weeks pregnant with our 2nd son. My water broke the next day (5 weeks early) and I had to labor and welcome our new son into this world with a broken heart!! :(

Sam said...

Gosh that's a powerful story. We all forget about the damage that we do to ourselves by believing the lies that other people tell.

Keep going about the business of living!!

Mama Kat said...

Wow. So powerful. This is my favorite entry so far. LOVE it!!

And good for you!! I'm so glad you didn't let that man keep you down.

Live More Now (LMN) said...

You so powerfully described that experience that one thinks "will never happen to me." And then it does. And then you feel lowered to the level of those other people who struggle with dark things like betrayal and lies and loss. And it happened to me, too. And you describe it so adeptly it made me catch my breath again. There is nothing that feels quite like betrayal. And then there is no freedom like acceptance and moving on and rediscovering the beauty and joy that lives within oneself, even after experiencing something like THAT. Keep up the beautiful writing.