formerly Diane's Addled Ramblings... the ramblings are still addled, just like before, and the URL is still the same...
it's just the title at the top of the page that's new

Monday, December 15, 2008

Because It's Easier Than Thinking Up a Real Post...

1. I’m still sick.
2. Being sick sucks.
3. Know what doesn’t suck?
4. Sick dreams.
5. No, I’m not a perv.
6. Mostly.
7. I mean the dreams you have when you’re sick.
8. They’re bizarre.
9. And kind of cool.
10. Like Stanley Kubrick on acid.
11. Or 3rd graders on speed.
12. Me on NyQuil.
13. Cool.
14. Not cool is coughing ‘til you see stars.
15. Or ‘til you pee.
16. The effects of natural childbirth.
17. That no one tells you about.
18. Damned No One.
19. ‘No One’ is like ‘They’.
20. Of ‘They say’ fame.
21. My mother believes everything ‘They’ say.
22. She believes nothing I say.
23. Sometimes I make up things ‘They’ say.
24. And I tell her.
25. And she repeats them back to me.
26. Weeks later.
27. Beause she can’t remember where she heard it.
28. Only that ‘They’ said it.
29. So it must be true.
30. And I laugh.
31. And laugh.
32. Yeah, I’m mean.
33. The apple didn’t fall far from that tree.
34. And yeah, I’m so going to Hell.
35. If there is a Hell.
36. I’m not so sure.
37. If there is, I’m betting it looks a lot like my brother’s house.
38. Only cleaner.
39. And more tastefully decorated.
40. I told you I was mean.
41. But truthful.
42. I always try to write the truth.
43. But I acknowledge that it’s my truth.
44. And no one else’s.
45. Why would I write someone else’s truth?
46. Duh.
47. Sometimes I write erotica.
48. It’s shockingly hard.
49. To write.
50. What were you thinking?
51. Lots of the names for genitalia make me laugh.
52. Or cringe.
53. Including the word ‘genitalia’.
54. It sounds like a varmint you should kill with a rake.
55. It’s hard to write about sex when you’re imagining killing varmints.
56. Or when you’re snorting.
57. Or wincing.
58. Wincing usually isn’t good during any sort of sex.
59. Not when you’re writing it.
60. Or reading it.
61. Or especially having it.
62. The first boy I ever had it with was the first boy I ever kissed.
63. But I didn’t do both in the same night.
64. I was 11 when I kissed him.
65. And 19 when I slept with him.
66. He was my boyfriend.
67. When I was 11.
68. Not when I was 19.
69. But I loved him.
70. Still do.
71. Just not in a naked way.
72. Anymore.
73. I’m sure his wife is relieved.
74. I’ll be relieved when the holidays are over.
75. And when they stop playing carols on the radio.
76. If I hear The Christmas Shoes one more time, I’m going to hurl.
77. Shoes.
78. At children.
79. Jesus Take the Wheel is almost as bad.
80. Ryan and I change the words.
81. Ours are really rude.
82. But very funny.
83. Yes, I’m teaching my child sacrilege.
84. And I’m cool with that.
85. Though I think what we do is more offensive to Carrie Underwood.
86. Than to Jesus.
87. I’m betting that song gets on his nerves, too.
88. WWJD?
89. Make Carrie Underwood shut the hell up.
90. That’s what he’d do.
91. If he was my kind of savior.
92. Oh, yeah.
93. Hell.
94. It’s where I’m going.
95. In a hand-basket.
96. What does that mean?
97. Anyway, I’m cool with it.
98. I already know the floor plan.
99. And the gatekeeper.
100. We’re related, after all.

37 comments:

Lee said...

Love it. Love it all.

But I'm glad I wasn't drinking when I read:
It sounds like a varmint you should kill with a rake.

Would have been messy.

SSP said...

1. thanks
2. for the snotty nose
3. and the laughs
4. particularly the hard parts
5. i mean the sex parts
6. and the wincing.

must go blow my nose.....

Heinous said...

I'll be there keeping your seat warm. Just don't bring your cold with you. A cold in hell would really blow.

Henry the Dog said...

Sounds like mum when she's had a few too many glasses of that grape juice stuff and she's ruminating. Don't worry Diane, there is no hell because there's only God Rex who's kind and dead laid back about stuff. Not those bad guys that you strange humans worship:)

Jane! said...

Jeez, you post more when you're sick than I can manage when I'm well... and totally more interesting.
So... kinda makes me think I shouldn't well-wish you better.

HLiza said...

Gee..these are more interesting than normal posts..sickness brings out the creativity in you.

J Cosmo Newbery said...

Easier??

You should do more then - they make great reading.

Protege said...

I love to read these kind of posts, you have a wonderful way of keeping it going, so to speak.;)
But I do not agree on one thing; you are so NOT mean.;))
I hope you get better soon.;)

mo.stoneskin said...

You're very good at counting.

Strange Pilgram said...

KEGEL till you see stars... and despite the fact that your sick post is hilarious, I hope you feel better soon.

Ronda's Rants said...

Gee... I can't tell if you are feeling better or not...but I am in a bad mood!
I think Hell might look alot like my house or yard...or better yet my damn garage! And I have to go there!

Cat said...

Oh my god you are killing me. That was too damn funny, esp the part about WWJD and telling Carrie Underwood to shut the hell up. Because seriously, that's WJWD.

Fandamntastic!

justsomethoughts... said...

diane, you could do a "100 list" every day and i dont think anyone would get bored. theyre funny as hell. speaking of which, you'll be in good company. if i may say so myself...

Heather said...

What I would give to be in your head for just one day. I imagine it's never boring.
I'm with you on Christmas Shoes and Jesus Take the Wheel. I laughed my butt off reading Andy's post about Christmas Shoes yesterday. Insensitive? Maybe. But hilarious just the same.

Andy said...

You did it! You got the Jesus Take the Wheel song in a post... in the same post about genitalia and varmints. You are too good for words. Now, please indulge us with some word porn, please.

Jenners said...

Oh this was brilliant!
I loooooooooooovvvvvvveeeeeddddd it!
I wish my mom was like you.
I HATE that Christmas Shoes song ... and Grandma Got Ran Over By A Reindeer and millions more, which is why I only listen to my own Christmas music mix tapes.

And the thing about "they said"....I'm going to have to try that. Cuz I'm mean like that too. And it sounds like a hoot. And it is pretty harmless, right?

Diane said...

Lee... I'm glad, too :)

SSP... You're welcome ;)

Jim... I only want to go if I can sit by you.

Henry... this is me sober. You should hear me after 'grape juice'.

Jane!... nah, please wish me well. I hate being sick!

HLiza... one advantage, I suppose :)

JCosmo... Thanks! I'll see what I can do...

Zuz... I am... I just hide it well... most of the time :)

Mo... it's one of my best things.

Pilgram... thanks :).

Ronda... Yikes! Hope your day improves!

Cat... I like to think Jesus and I would see eye to eye on a few things.

JST... are you doing a 100 list?! Cool... I'll be over shortly...

Heather... trust me, it's not that great in here. A little weird some days, maybe...

Andy... I did it! And it's 'erotica', my friend, NOT 'porn' (ick).

Jenners... it's mostly harmless, yeah. Mostly. But if it was COMPLETELY harmless, it wouldn't be as much fun, now would it?

SouthernBelle said...

1. I like erotica
2. In word form
3. Not pictures really
4. Because genitalia are not really attractive
5. Except for in the moment
6. So please post us some Nyquil-haze erotica!

x
Belle

Brittany said...

WAY better than a post, brilliant and totally hilarious!

Last Place Finisher said...

Wish I could get high on Nyquil. Then I could write cool stuff like this post.

Mel said...

1. You are mean.
2. Just like I said yesterday.
3. I still mean it today.
4. And tomorrow.
5. And forever.
6. You will always be mean.
7. As for writing erotica...
8. I remember when you said you could only think of 2 names for male genitalia.
9. I assume you've thought of more.
10. If not, I can send you a list.
11. I wouldn't want you to get a virus looking them up on suspicious websites (like last time).
12. But if you did, you'd deserve it.
13. Because you're mean.
14. And, heartless.
15. At least that's what they say.

Sam_I_am said...

1. I love these entries
2. They make me laugh
3. I have yet to hear the Christmas Shoe song
4. I've gotten the email forward before.
5. What is this after effect of natural childbirth that you speak of.
6. you're making me nervous, Diane.
7. I'm going to believe in the Stork.
8. and Santa.
9. I'm very good at erot. lit.
10. but I'm too embarassed to let anyone read it
11. including Fiance
12. Well, sometimes.
13. Okay this is awkward now
14. I'm going to go over to Funny Gals now.
15 Talk to you later!

Amy McMean a.k.a McSunshine said...

Wow reading your list sort of made me feel like a 3rd grader on speed.

I love the comments about your brother. Funny.

hautepocket said...

Aww, you're even funny when you're sick. I thought I told you to get better? You're a mom, you should know how to listen!

Live More Now (LMN) said...

You. are. funny.

Even when you're sick.


But get better soon.

Sometimes Sophia said...

Brilliant post. Nyquilicious! You are brutally funny. See you in Hell...

Braja said...

So...you're related to the gatekeeper? Ever think of writing a book about that?

jill said...

wow - your nyquil is WAY better than my nyquil...or maybe i'm not taking enough....

this post caused me to experience the effects of natural childbirth...thanks...thanks alot.

MJ said...

I love your 100 lists---you're entirely too clever and funny! I'm learning more about you all the time. Knowing the "scary little tyrant" as I do (see today's posting...), I have to laugh about what she says "they say"---it's true! So I do laugh, and if it's mean, it's only a little mean... I hope...

Mel said...

1-you're not mean
2-really, i mean it this time
3-you're my best friend
4-i'm going to hug you
5-and kiss you
6-and call you george
7-or dianabelle
8-or i'll win the lottery
9-and give you some money so you can move out of the scary little tyrant's house
10-i'll even buy you some blue ll bean duck shoes
11-and a blue and white boy's 10-speed
12-that is frightening due to all the gears
13-but i'll officially and irrevocably rescind your mean girl card
14-if you'll do one thing for me
15-GET ME THE FREAKING PRETTY BOY FOR CHRISTMAS, DAMN IT!!!!

Mel said...

wait, i'm going to squeeze you, not kiss you. EWWWWW!

Terri said...

I think I'm glad I've never heard the Christmas Shoe song. I'm with you - make the songs stop. Make the bling stop. Enough already.

You're a very funny woman. I'm going to enjoy reading your blog. 'Specially when I need a good snort.

gwenlyn said...

That's my friend Terri, above. BUT I FOUND YOU FIRST so you like me best, k? (I think yer funnier than she does anyway...) And I like comments too; thanks for leaving yours!

Michelle J said...

This is great!!

Just found you and i think i may stay!!!

COOL????

Michelle J said...
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Michelle J said...
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Wendy said...

Beautiful. I'm wiping a tear from my eye as I type. I really am.