formerly Diane's Addled Ramblings... the ramblings are still addled, just like before, and the URL is still the same...
it's just the title at the top of the page that's new

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Writer's Workshop: Dear Santa

If you don't know about the Writer's Workshop, head over to Mama's Losin' It and check it out...

Dear Santa,

Dude. This is totally a break-up letter. We’re through. You’ve had 43 years to get it right. But year after year… W.R.O.N.G. I know you’re busy making your list and checking it twice and all, yadda yadda. I know you have all those pesky kids to see to first. What.Ever. Even when I was a kid… you got it all wrong.

Remember the year I asked for that cool, sleek 10-speed? I wanted a boy’s bike, I know, but there’s no hard and fast rule about that, is there? I wanted it to be blue and white, like my brother’s. Remember? I was very specific. Remember what I got? A girl’s bike. A yellow girl’s bike. A very bright yellow girl’s bike. Do you know what it’s like to spend your tween years riding a banana with wheels? It’s not cool, Santa. Not cool at all. And yes, I know my mom liked it better than the blue and white boy’s bike. And yes, I know she’s a scary little tyrant. But you’re Santa, for Christ’s sake. The Big Guy. You could’ve overruled her. You should've overruled her. Just like you should’ve done the time I got the bright green duck shoes instead of the nice L.L. Bean navy blue ones I asked for (you know, so I wouldn’t stand out from all the preppy princesses in my high school like Kermit the Friggin’ Frog). She liked the green ones better, too… I know. The power of VETO, Santa. You had it. You didn’t use it. Dude. Not cool.

But I forgave you for the bike. And the duck shoes. And all the other things that were similar but not quite what I (very) specifically asked for every year. But still… you failed. Remember the year I didn’t ask for anything except for my ear infection to go away so I could fly pain-free? Yes, I know you did it. And I appreciate it. But I totally didn’t ask for the yeast infection I got in its place. Do you have any idea what it’s like to have to explain to a hard-of-hearing pharmacist in another country, who doesn’t have the same regard for patient privacy as the pharmacists here, exactly what a yeast infection is? Do you know how pleasant it is to hear him holler all the way across the (very crowded) store for the clerk to bring something for vaginal itching? Well, I can tell you from experience, Santa. It’s not pleasant. Not pleasant at all.

But even if I could overlook the yellow bike and green shoes and yeast infection incidents, I can’t forget or forgive the husband incident. I know it was a tall order. I know. But Santa… Rob? Really? Really, Santa?! Rob? He was seriously the best you could do? What? You didn’t have a gimpy elf with a wall-eye and a flatulence problem lying around somewhere? Rob?! So much for the friggin’ magic of Christmas, eh? I guess I didn’t deserve my miracle on 34th Street (or Oakhurst Lane… whatever).

Do you hate me? What did I do? I was a good girl, wasn’t I? OK, yeah, I remember the Rhonda Incident, but I didn’t ask for anything that year either, did I? Or the year of the Big Lie. But I was good most of the time. I left you cookies and milk… chocolate milk, even. I left carrots and oats for the reindeer. I was never greedy. I wrote my letters in my best penmanship and checked the grammar and spelling twice. But still… you let me down. Over and over. So I’m ending our relationship. Severing ties. We’re done, Fat Boy. Kaput. Finis. Shot. Go peddle your ho ho ho's to some other schmuck. Have a nice life. Have a nice banana-riding-green-shoe-wearing-yeast-infection-scratching-Rob-marrying life. You’re off my Christmas card list, Dude. Permanently.

Love Always,

Diane

35 comments:

Mel said...

I'm officially revoking your mean girl status because 1-I feel bad, and 2-this made me laugh out loud. Vaginal itching is funny when it's someone else! Who knew?

Scary little tyrant - hee! Yeah, I think you're right. Your mom can probably take mine, even given the, like, 10 inch height difference!

HLiza said...

Ha ha ha..! He seriously did BIG mistakes on you..

Shanna said...

Awwwwwwwwwwwww!! LOL Santa does suck doesn't he?! I hope this issue is now off your chest for good - that sounds like a lot of anger to be all holed up for so long!

Cat said...

I don't blame you - plus, you know, he kinda smells bad, like maybe he can't quite reach to clean all the creases, if you know what I mean.

Last Place Finisher said...

OMG Diane!!

I just wanna give you a hug.

(And if you think Santa sucks, just feel fortunate that you don't have to deal with Hannukah Harry!)

Lee said...

So...it's over then?

Heinous said...

Awww. I'm sure he'll get it right one of these years. It'll have to be really good after all that, but it'll get there.

Andy said...

So funny, and yet so sad. You need a Christmas miracle.

J Cosmo Newbery said...

Jeez! I'll never complain about the crappy plastic machine gun and the unfortunate death of my guinea pig again. Ever.

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

Seriously, if I could get my hands on that Santa I would open a can of whoop ass on him for all the grief he put you through!

But really, move to Massachusetts and we will hit the clubs and the grocery store and I will find you a good man!

Braja said...

Oh well done. I think you need to see Irish's post about Santa...it's about 3rd one down (they're short). WARNING: don't have any liquids in your mouth during the reading of this post...

http://irishcatholicpottymouthdeux.blogspot.com/

Ronda's Rants said...

Uh...Do I know this Rhonda chick?
Dear God what did you do to her?
I know Ron was a jerk off but look what you got out of that deal...just about the cutest daughter ever!!!
Love you, Ronda
PS I can't beleive you called Santa a Fat Boy...Man o Man!

Ronda's Rants said...

I meant Rob....not Ron I don't know who Ron is?

Maithri said...

AHAHAHAHAHHA!

I love it...

So many quotable lines...

"We're done, Fat boy..."

"What.Ever."

I needed this laugh today my friend,

Lotsa Love, M

Henry the Dog said...

Awww, poor Santa Paws. I kinda like the guy. He always gets me what I want, but I know that mum was seriously mentally scarred when she didn't get Tiny Tears - so I do have some empathy;)

Protege said...

LOL Diane, you and Santa really have some unresolved issues.;)) If I see the guy, I will put in a good word for you; you know I have my connections being close to the North Pole and all.;))

Amy McMean a.k.a McSunshine said...

Well it's about time someone puts this guy in his place. I'm not to thrilled with the "sees you when your sleeping" we have laws about that kinds of stuff around here.

Santa is, dare I say, a stalker

Tom said...

You put the fear of God into me, you really do. I'm scared as hell even writing a comment here...

Remember the old Raleigh Chopper? It had three gears and everyone had one - at least the boys did (the girls had banana bikes as you mentioned). I got the Raleigh Tomahawk that had no gears and I spent a year building up my leg muscles keeping up with everyone else. I've never forgiven my parents for that blunder although they're forgiven for everything else!

Heather said...

Holy crap, Diane. That was the funniest thing I've ever read. "Go peddle your ho hos to some other shmuck." Best line ever written.
And I LOVE that after chewing his butt into tomorrow, you signed, "Love Always". Priceless.
Thanks for all the laughs!

Jenners said...

Geez Diane! You are turning out some seriously good and funny stuff lately! Meaness and anger and grumpiness suit you! I LOVED this! Best....letter...to...Santa....EVER. (That is supposed to be like that comic book guy on the Simpsons.) You rock!

justsomethoughts... said...

alls i can say is that if santa gets vaginal itching, we are in FAR greater trouble than anyone has ever cared to imagine.
and even when i was little i knew that there was no way in hell that he could ever make it down any chimney. i mean, look at the size of the guy. maye i was too literal. and that might've put me on the bad list. who knows... i'm with you though. no thanks pal. i'll make my own list and check it twice thankyouverymuch.

Wendy said...

Funny, but...

Who is Rhonda and what was the Big Lie?

I sense some good stories there.

Sam_I_am said...

wow, santa had it out for you. I asked him one year for black nail polih and he brought it AND green and blue. Your mom must have been sending in her Santa bill late. lol

Blarney said...

Gasping for air ... DAMN that was funny! I'm pretty sure I'm through with the fat man too. Every year you spend hours circling the exact thing in the JCP book and he still couldn't get it right ... hmpf.

Drama Mama said...

you are A.W.E.S.O.M.E.

That Santa Letter kicked A$$!

Glad you are feeling better!

Jane! said...

Well, SOMEone's got a little post-flu crankiness, doesn't she?
I can't believe you would blame that poor guy for green duck shoes. And was Santa dragging you up the aisle? However... you do have a point with the yeast infection... them's NASTY!
I do think you could stop yelling at me, but I WOULD like the oomplete cusser's guide to signing. Please. Soon.

The Odd Duck said...

I don't mean to be an ass (OK, not entirely at least) but the idea of someone yelling about vaginal itching across a store is hilarious to me. Hey, I never once claimed to have a normal sense of humour.

Overall loved your letter, ma'am.

La Pixie said...

you didnt hold back, did you? LOL

well, I suppose this break-up is for the best. vaginal itching. HA HA HA

Sometimes Sophia said...

You have some serious issues here. Really funny stuff. The "gimpy elf with a wall-eye and a flatulence problem lying around somewhere" comment was priceless. (The whole letter is a gem.) Love your attitude.

Charmaine said...

Dear God woman, you must know how hilarious you are. And now, for some weird reason, on behalf of you.....I wanna kick Santa's Ass.

I'll do it. You don't know what a hard ass I am.

Santa...you bastard, bring it. Charmaine is coming to get you. All 115 lbs of her.

Grrrr.

At least you know someone fought for you. Sleep well. hee hee

Red Cup Mom said...

Haha. Can be hard to make the kids happy!!! Banana bike indeed. I bet it was super cute. My kid this evening: Santa is bringing me an iPod, cell phone, alarm clock and computer. Uh, yeah, get a grip little one o' mine.

J Cosmo Newbery said...

I hope you have a very merry Christmas, that Santa brings you everything you deserve and that it doesn’t take too long to work off the effects of Christmas dinner.

Thank you for being part of what has been a fascinating year for me.

C Woods said...

Great humorous piece.
You know, that big old fat man has been crossing people off his list for so long ---I wonder how he likes a taste of his own medicine?

Heather said...

Oooooh, I started a book yesterday that reminded me of you. You like David Sedaris, right? Have you read his Christmas book, Holidays on Ice? I think you'd appreciate the humor. :)

mirmilant said...

Diane,

That's some great writing. What can I say but "Thanks"!

But you got me thinking. Maybe Santa wants you to be miserable, to feed your creative spirit with, so that you can bring some entertainment and joy to the rest of us. I don't know what to say! I want you to be happy and to have the perfect presents and the perfect relationship etc - but.. this stuff you come out with is good! You see my dilemma? Oh well, never mind... have one more try with Santa (after all, he's not Rob is he?) - as the Stones sorta said, you may not get what you want but if you try hard you might get what you need. The question I guess is how hard are you willing to try...?

[Tom - I had a Chopper too! It didn't last long in the streets and kerbs of South London. It was replaced by a Grifter and the rentals (parents) were forgiven!)