formerly Diane's Addled Ramblings... the ramblings are still addled, just like before, and the URL is still the same...
it's just the title at the top of the page that's new

Thursday, January 29, 2009

I'm Begging Here...

Dear Ms. Carpenter,

First, please let me tell you what a great music teacher I think you are. I was absolutely blown away by what you accomplished at the 4th grade holiday concert. I know, all too well, the cacophony of sound that is the 4th grade – the squealing, shrieking, and screaming that comprises the female portion of that group; the monkey dialect, alphabet burps, and farting noises that make up the boy section. That you could make them sound so wonderful was truly an amazing feat and I commend you for your hard work and your ability to maintain your (apparent) sanity and good mood throughout it all.

All that being said, I do have a teensy-weensy complaint. It involves the instrument (and I use that term loosely) Ryan brought home last week… that unfortunate offspring of the forbidden union between the flute and the kazoo. Would that they had made like Romeo and Juliet and poisoned/stabbed/blown themselves up before they gave birth to… The Recorder.

Ms. Carpenter, I know this isn’t your fault. I know you must, to a significant degree, teach what the state dictates. I understand that the recorder has been part of the curriculum since Christ was a child. I don’t blame you. Honestly, I don’t. But I am here to tell you that I am one step away from sticking kabob skewers into both ears… simultaneously. Digging parts of my brain out through my nose would be preferable to hearing Hot Cross Buns. Even. One. More. Time.

Is there anything you can do? I wouldn’t ask, really, but Ms. Carpenter, I’m a single mom. Ryan needs me. She needs me to be here and not locked away in a padded cell, mumbling incoherently, my face screwed into the permanent ‘recorder squinch’. Maybe you could lower your expectations slightly? So that, say, Ryan doesn’t have to practice? At all? Or maybe she could pass the recorder class by helping you out a bit. She’s a really bright kid… I bet she could master the copy machine with little instruction; she’s creative and enjoys doing bulletin boards; she’s very organized and I feel certain she’d happily clean your classroom. And yes, I realize this sounds a lot like bribery (and probably breaks a lot of child labor laws, too) but I’m a bit desperate here. I’m on my knees, begging, tears in my eyes, cotton in my ears.

Please. Please. Please.

Sincerely,

Ryan’s Mom

35 comments:

blognut said...

Let me know if this plea works for you. I may have to "borrow" it when The Boy starts on the recorder. Trust me, he will make no attempt to play Hot Cross Buns or anything else, he will take great delight in making the dogs cry.

sherri said...

Have you pressed "send" yet?

Coachdad said...

Wow... great letter. And best of luck with it. I now know never ever to let my girls play the Recorder. Your pain is my gain. Thanks!

Distributorcap said...

what if was a complete set of drums or a tuba!

Ronda's Rants said...

Sorry...suck it up! I had three who played the recorder...one went on to play the trumpet!
The recorder is the gateway musical instrument...
Please come to my blog for a give-away...you can plug your ears with this intead!

Lee said...

Be careful she doesn't move Ryan into the bagpipe ensemble.

Summer said...

i love it!

Alyssa said...

Awesome visuals. Kabob skewers in both ears is priceless, but what I'm oddly curious about is how exactly a flute and a kazoo mate...

Terri said...

OMG you're cracking me up. Better than cracking up, like you are.

Can I hire you to write a letter to the IRS?

Jenera said...

Oh my goodness, the recorder! I can remember bringing that home from school. And I remember how much my mom hated it too. I didn't think they still used 'em.

Mel said...

Suck. It. Up. Wait 'til she tells you she wants to play the Tuba.

Rachel Cotterill said...

I had a recorder - my mum wouldn't let me try the violin!!

Christine said...

I don't know your Mrs. Carpenter, but you should totally send that letter... I bet it would make her year.

J Cosmo Newbery said...

You could always back over the recorder, accidentally, two or three times.

Braja said...

The recorder isn't even a musical instrument. I know this because my sister played it in school and I had the urge to shove it somewhere so the noise would stop....

Protege said...

Ha,ha! Maybe it is time to sound proof Ryan's room!;))
I hope you will publish Ms. Carpenter's reply as well.;))
Nothing like a good laugh on a Friday morning.;))

HLiza said...

Ha ha ha ha...wait till she brings back a drum to practise!

Michelle said...

Diane check this out:


The recorder is a woodwind musical instrument of the family known as fipple flutes!!!!

OK i don't know about you but the recorder is in the same family as fipple flutes!!!

Nuff said!!!

Ok one more thing!!! Ryan should know this. The filpple flute thing!!!

It's pretty cool isn't it???

Please don't hate me!!!

HAPPY FRIDAY!!!

Sometimes Sophia said...

Maybe you could suggest she go to a friend's house, so they could practice TOGETHER. Ask Ms. Carpenter for some recorder duets (Buns for Two?) Maybe you could pay that friend's mother - who may be bearing up under the strain better than you - to keep the "music" out of your house. Say you get migraines or something, and then promise to take the girls for a movie or whatever. Good plan, no? :)

swenglishexpat said...

Diane, don't give up just yet. There are worse things. There are bagpipes, you know! ;-)

Anonymous said...

I feel particularly sorry for Sundance - how must his sensitive doggy ears be coping? I'm surprised he hasn't chewed the torture tube in half!

Col
xox

Heinous said...

I think she needs a cowbell too! That would be even better. I'll see if I can find the sheet music for the Rick James extended remix of "Hot Cross Buns."

A Woman Of No Importance said...

Ah Diane, it all came back to me with "Hot X buns!" Has she learned, "Go and tell Aunt Nancy... the old grey goose is dead..." yet?

Just wonderfully written, Diane, such a pleasure to read and I commiserate with you, I really do! Are the headphones not cutting it - I'm worried about you putting kebab skewers anywhere near your lovely ears - You'll need them later when Ry's playing Carnegie Hall! xxx

Heather said...

Funniest. Letter. Ever.
Seriously, you should send that to the woman. Maybe she's immune to the horrible squeaking/screaching noise and thinks it sounds lovely. If she realizes how close you are to the edge, I'm sure she'd let Ryan skip practice!

Jane! said...

Oh honey, this is just warmup for when she brings home a real musical instrument. I wouldn't even let my kids join orchestra because I am still not over listening to my neice play her violin back in elementary school.

Here's a tip, though. You can go to the music store and buy one that sounds considerably better for not much money.

Jen L. said...

It very much makes my life that you wrote your letter of complaint about the *&%$ recorder!

Jen said...

I'm almost afraid to tell you this story...

I think I might still have my original recorder from elementary school in a box somewhere... I loved it so much that once I graduated from elementary to middle school and joined up with band, I went to an instrument that I thought looked the same.... the Oboe. I played it all the way through high school.

Fear not! Ryan is still at an impressionable age so you can save yourself from the painful torture that I gave to my mom, so do what my best friend's mom did - tell her she's doing so well and caught on so quickly that you bet she'll be fantastic at another instrument. Then go buy her a keyboard.

Those have headphone jacks in them.

Julie said...

My son played the clarinet...for a year. I couldn't take anymore. LOL

Jenners said...

To be honest, I'm kind of glad she got the recorder because it is resulting in so many great blog posts for our amusement!

But really...why is the recorder necessary? I've never seen one outside of a grade school.

Maithri said...

Can I just say...

I was reading this on Friday on a computer next to the Professor of surgery at our hospital... I kept sniggering and cracking up... He kept giving me this look of disdain...

I wanted to say "Whats up dude? Is there a recorder up your butt? or what?" lol one day i'll find the courage...

Much love, M

Braja said...

I gave you an award in my sidebar... you can consider it a one-off. Ain't no one else in blogland gonna get that award, my friend....

Femin Susan said...

Hi………
Absolutely fantastic post! Good job!
Great! Keep writing…….

Bob Boisen said...

How 'bout a cowbell and a banjo?

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