formerly Diane's Addled Ramblings... the ramblings are still addled, just like before, and the URL is still the same...
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Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Writer's Workshop: Troll Guy

Writer’s Workshop time… head over to Mama’s Losin’ It for details. This week I chose the prompt:

Tell us about a memorable blind date.

Though it was difficult to choose which memorable (and by ‘memorable’ I mean ‘terrible’) date to tell you about, I settled on Troll Guy (yes, they all get names and yes, his was appropriate).

Back in October, I did a post about an email I received from Troll Guy. Many of you found it funny (strange how you all seem to laugh at my frequent misfortunes… it’s really not nice, you know) and several of you asked me to tell you more about him. Here you go...

I met Troll Guy online. Yes, I’ve done the whole Match.com thing. Don’t judge (or laugh). I’m a single mom who works from home and other than my (ultra conservative) family and their (ultra conservative friends), I knew no one when I moved here. The Pigsknuckle dating pool is more like a puddle and since the idea of having sex again before I die appeals to me, I put my Wellies on from time to time and splash around.

There was no splashing with Troll Guy.

He seemed normal. At first. He had a bunch of photos posted and he assured me they were recent. He was pretty average looking, which was fine, as 1) I'm not looks-oriented, and 2) I think I’m pretty average looking. We talked via email for a while – longer than I normally do, but he was chatty (and we all know I'm chatty) and it just sort of progressed. As it seemed we had quite a bit in common, we agreed to meet at a restaurant downtown one evening for an early dinner and then go for a walk at the university arboretum. Note that we did not speak on the phone before meeting.

Now, I might be weird in this, but I like first dates. I spent a good portion of my career interviewing people and I’m good at it. I’m also good at being interviewed (I’ve been offered every job for which I’ve ever applied). And I see first dates as interviews. They don’t bother me; I usually don’t get nervous; I’m good at putting other people at ease. So I pretty much always anticipate an enjoyable time.

Sometimes I'm a moron.

So, I got to the restaurant a little early. There was no one else there (he wanted to eat at the geriatric hour because, I found out later, he expected us to hit it off and he wanted our date to last a very long time). I sat facing the stairs he’d have to come up, so I caught sight of him before he saw me...

Ohhhhhhh… no. Nope. Can’t be. Can it? No. Please don’t let it be.

Well, crap.


First impressions mean a lot, don’t they? OK, let me backtrack a bit and describe the Troll Guy I saw in the photos… about 6 feet tall; dark, greying hair, cut short; average build; nice smile.

Now, let me describe the Troll Guy I met in person… possibly 6 feet tall, however, as a distance runner who did absolutely no upper body work, he was sort of concave, which made him slouch and appear approximately 5 inches shorter; longish hair, dyed a strange yellow-orangey color (a color not found in nature); his head perpetually tilted at a peculiar upward angle, which caused him to have to always look down his nose; one tooth missing (not a front one, thank God).

Again, to be really clear, I’m not looks-oriented at all. I’m not. I have no ‘type’ and I tend to be attracted to men who are not conventionally attractive. I’m all about personality and sense of humor and intelligence and kindness. Yeah, they have to be attractive, too… attractive to me. That can mean 1,000 different things and I don’t know from one date to the next what those things will be.

But Troll Guy’s looks? Not even the best (and by ‘best’ I mean ‘worst’) part…

Remember how I said we hadn’t spoken on the phone before we met? Yeah. Well, if we had, we wouldn’t have had a date. He looked down at me, grinned a gappy grin, held out his hand, and said, “Hi, Diane! I’m Troll Guy.” (Except he used his real name). And he sounded like…

An elf.

It was the most bizarre voice I have ever heard come out of a human man. High and squeaky with a hint of nasal whine. Bizarre. The voice of an elf. The face of a troll. Oh, and he brought me a bouquet of daisies… daisies dyed in neon colors. Swear.To.God. So it wasn't even like I could pretend it was a business dinner or something. It was clear... to all who would see us that evening... it was a date.

It was not going well. And that was only the first 5 minutes.

So I made the best of it (and by 'made the best of it' I mean 'I drank'). And I listened, trying not to cringe outwardly at his elf voice, as he over-shared to an alarming degree and told me things I had no business knowing on the first date. Or the 10th date. And I drank some more. When I got up to go to the bathroom, the waitress asked me if we needed the check. When I growled at her to bring me another beer, she laughed, nodded in understanding, and had it at the table before I got back. I drank until it was simply too late to go to the arboretum. He was disappointed. I was relieved. It was over.

Or so I thought.

On the way home, he called me to tell me he’d had a great time and couldn’t wait to see me again.

Ummmm… no, Troll Guy. No. No way in ever-lovin', holy Hell.

The next day I followed up, as is my normal practice. I always send an email to say thanks for meeting me; it was nice. Even if it wasn’t. In Troll Guy’s case, I wanted to be sure there was no misinterpretation so I was tactful and kind but I added that although I enjoyed his company (lie) and would like to be friends (bigger lie), I didn’t feel any physical chemistry (true) and didn’t want to pursue a romantic relationship (much bigger true). He replied promptly...

“No one has ever called me ugly.”

Ummmm… WTF?

Because I try hard to be a nice person and because he really was a nice person (albeit a weepy, needy, troll-like person), I spent the entire day explaining via IM that I hadn’t called him ugly (even though I might have wanted to). I made clear (or I tried to make clear) that my not wanting to pursue a relationship didn’t have anything to do with looks… it had to do with chemistry, which is completely different, simply cannot be predicted, and is necessary for any sort of romance to begin or flourish. After about 6 hours (I’m totally not exaggerating), I finally apologized one last time and told him we needed to just stop.

He still pops up every now and then… like a zit. He popped up in October. You can read about here if you’d like

45 comments:

Mel said...

Troll. Elf. Zit. That's a winning profile on any dating site.

Blu said...

Thanks for making me laugh so early in the morning, I would have been off like a missile.

Young Momma said...

Oh my goodness!!! That's awful!!! I'm glad you were nice to him though... I don't think I could have done even that much! Good story! :)

Young Momma said...

PS: Thanks for the beautiful comment on my blog. It's much appreciated. :)

Heather, aka Jake's Mommy said...

lol ... nothing like a good troll story at midnight!! Great post!

Red Cup Mom said...

Really? He thought you called him ugly? Maybe he got you confused with another email from some other dater?

Troll guy is a good moniker.

Drinking beer is a good solution.

Glad you were gracious. Gracious is always good.

Kitty said...

LOL, had a shockingly similar experience to yours. I went to the bathroom and called my friend to have her call me in 5minutes and fake an emergency to get me out... yikes!

Serenity said...

Wow...saying Troll was a perfect description.... there is definitely some scary people out there and if he wasn't afraid of his looks, he should have used his real picture...lol. Great post and I probably would have drank something stronger than beer...lol.

junebug said...

Great Post! It's funny how the ones you don't want to ever talk to again keep popping back up.

greedygrace said...

LOL!! Every girl needs to have a troll guy in her life at least once.

melanie @ don't expect much said...

How come they always look so cute in the pictures and then when you meet them... UGHHHHH!!! Mine had a nickname too... It was "Three Piece"... lol

Great story!

Tom said...

I have never been on a blind date, well, not a traditional one anyway, and after reading this I know I'll never go on one for the rest of my life!

Your very funny post reminds me of a movie I saw some time ago but I can't remember which one. When the brain cells have oxygen back in them, I'll let you know what it was.

Christine said...

Ugh... I am so glad to not be dating anymore.

J Cosmo Newbery said...

Funny in a sad kind of way.
Sad in a funny kind of way.

Sometimes Sophia said...

Ugh... Sounds horrendous! He sounds like a virus, the weasle... Gross. Sounds like you were too nice, Diane. The account is hilarious, however. (And good job, being #2 on Mama Kat's list...)

Henry the Dog said...

I am sat watching mum as she laughs her head off and clutches her tummy. She said she would have probably gone to the loo and then escaped out of the window. She isn't as kind as you:)

Protege said...

Ah Diane, this was so funny! And I needed a good laugh this morning!;))
You are such a talented writer, the way you write is truly unique.
I think we have all have met "Troll" guys in our life. And it is always difficult to tell someone that the chemistry is not here. People do get hurt, but that is inevitable.
I also do recall your post from October, cracked me up as well.;)

blueviolet said...

That's horrible and I give you credit. I probably would have faked sick and left long before I was drunk.

Braja said...

You and Charmaine should definitely be double dating :)

mo.stoneskin said...

I wonder if this Trelf fella will encounter this post...an accidental google search on trolls and bang, a story that sounds strangely familiar...

Michelle said...

Hi Diane,
Hysterical but scarily true!!!

Maybe thats why i never go on blind dates!!!

I love your writing!!! Made my day!!!

Happy Thursday!!

I think i broke my toe!!!

Cathy said...

That was hilarious! And, I mean that in the nicest way...I'm not laughing at your misfortune...I'm laughing at the way you tell a story. Honest! Seriously!

Ronda's Rants said...

So funny...I honestly don't think I would survive dating....I really don't think I could do it!!!
I always imagined it would be fun...less Lord of the Ring!

sherri said...

I've been married for so long that I forgot about those horrible blind dates.

I got in the car once with a blind date and he looks at me and says ( In the most monotone, hillbilly voice-as if he were reading it from a little book on what to say on a first date book) "You look beau-ti-ful!"

There was a show from my past, can't remember the name of it, but there were three brothers, and only one talked, and when he would introduce the threesome, he would always say, "Hi. I'm Larry. And this is my brother Daryl...and my other brother Daryl."

My date sounded just like Larry!

It ended very early. He called a couple of times, But I gave him YOUR number.

So sorry. Troll guy was MY sloppy seconds!

Will you forgive me?

Andy said...

Diane, what a funny post. Your misfortune is our fortune, I'm afraid to tell you.
And, since I met Capricorn on match.com, I think it's perfectly viable. I am glad, however, she didn't turn out to be a troll. Or an elf.

April said...

How funny! At least you got some good blog material out of it!

Saundra@ItalianMamaGoneCrazy said...

Oh. My. God...

TRAINWRECK!!!

He totally thought you called him ugly. hmmmmm.... that means he knew too... he knew!!!

Michelle said...

Holy cow.....that story makes me want to work really hard at making sure I don't ever get divorced.

You are a great story teller. :)

Blarney said...

Wow ... that's just SO wrong and the reason I never went on a blind date ~ never.

Fhina said...

Diane, you have your very own ginger, stalking Troll - How quaint?

Now I'll have to get one...!

By the way, how long have you lived on top of that bridge over there??!

Very, very funny writing, D, so endearing, I honestly feel for you... And no matter how nice we are to folk there is always one who takes offence - I sometimes find myself hearing my dear, departed mother's words:

"Aah, Fhina, let him hing (hang) as he graas (grows)", i.e. let him go his own way; let him go - Just like the pugly weed that he was - I mean, inside rather than out...

namaste said...

Ok, I haven't even gotten half way through and I'm begging you to get up and run out... You didn't did you. You stayed and suffered right? I'll be back. Going to finish reading. Oh my.

pam said...

You are a good person to be so kind to the Troll.

What a great story to tell, probably not so great to live though!!

Thanks for sharing.

namaste said...

Oh boy..... just finished.... wow! kind of scary that he responded with the whole "ugly" comment huh? wow, wow, wow. I have to go read the October incident now. You've pulled me in!

Drama Mama said...

I just freakin had to hold my mouth and nose shut so to not BUST out laughing at work!! My eyes are watering and I need to go outside and just let it out. You are so funny! That was an awesome read! We could totally hang out and have a good time laughing at each others horror stories!

AND I love the Sanity Slips Away... post too!

Heinous said...

Lol...you poor thing. Maybe you need to start asking for date-stamped photos.

Shanna said...

woooooooooooooooooooowww......that guy is weird. I don't blame you. Sometimes you really do just have to say no.

Sheri and George said...

This is so freakin funny I can't stop laughing! Good thing I have a door on my office or people would wonder what I was smoking in here? I can't believe you had to spend that much time trying to dump him, I would have quit a lot sooner. Good woman

Amy McMean a.k.a McSunshine said...

Thats so funny. i'm not laughing at you i'm laughing with you :) a poor troll guy needs a little love to.

San Diego Momma said...

So did he just stand up really straight for his online photo?

Heatherlyn said...

Hi, I found you from the Mr. Linky from the writer's workshop. Great post! Very funny. You did a great job recreating that moment of your life. And I enjoyed the humor in it.

The Eadle Family said...

Hi, I'm here from mama kat's ... lol ... I'm sorry, but troll guy sounds hilarious. I hate to laugh at your misfortune though. I probably would have ran out. Or have the back up plan where a friend calls in the first 30 minutes of a date with an emergency, but if you are having a good time, you tell your friend a code word or sentence so your date doesn't notice. lol

Heather said...

NICE!! This is why I have NEVER, EVER been tempted by blind dates. I'm so scared of what might show up. I've had friends try to play match-maker before, "Oooh let me introduce you to so-an-so. He has such a great personality!" Suuure he does.

Debbie said...

I'm thinking if he hadn't been called ugly in the past, he wouldn't have immediately gone there!

SCREAMING FOR CHOCOLATE said...

Been through this myself. Except we didn't have the internet thing. I learned to only meet for cocktails or coffee. Something that doesn't committ you to much time.

I know it is hell.....

Coco

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