formerly Diane's Addled Ramblings... the ramblings are still addled, just like before, and the URL is still the same...
it's just the title at the top of the page that's new

Friday, June 26, 2009

72 Candles...

Wednesday night at dinner, I was telling Ryan a little story about my dad… how whenever my mom made fish for dinner, even the boneless filets, my dad always got a bone. And I mean always. Even when no one else at the table did. He used to say she was trying to choke him to death and make it look like an accident. It was funny. Always. Really funny.

As I finished the story, I suddenly found myself absolutely overcome by grief. I had to leave the table to regain my composure. I don’t know why it happened. I usually have some warning when the sadness tsunami hits. But not this time.

I still miss my dad so much. I miss him every day. I still cry. It still hurts beyond what I ever believed possible.

And today, June 26, was his birthday... he would have been 72 this year. Ten years ago today, I was sitting at my baby shower, 8 months pregnant, surrounded by people I loved, missing my dad, who had died just months prior. Today, 10 years later, I’ll sit at his grave with my nearly-10-year-old baby girl, missing him as much as I did then.

I wonder when I won’t miss him so much. Because it’s just so damned painful, part of me wants it to stop... but only part of me.

Happy birthday, Dad. Ryan and I will blow out the candles for you! XO


21 comments:

Chris@Maugeritaville said...

You'll never completely get rid of the pain . . . he was too important. But after a while, I'm sure the good memories (like the ones you related here) will help balance out the emotions.

But birthdays will always be rough. Hang in there.

CJ said...

Even though the loss of your father is so painful to you, I envy you. I came from a stoic family that showed little emotion and I never felt close to my parents or sister. We were very different and they seemed like aliens to me ---I guess I seemed like an alien to them, too. I have fond memories, but also some painful ones, but no deep emotional attachment. So, although your loss is painful, the joy your father brought you will outlast the pain, I'm sure.

blognut said...

Oh, Honey. I'm so sorry for your loss. I knew today would be hard for you, and I don't know if that pain ever really goes away. Missing him hurts, but know that your dad still lives on in you, and in Ryan, too.

I didn't know your dad, but I do really think that he would be proud of all that you are.

Love you - as you know - and I'm sending you giant hugs. XOXOXO

swenglishexpat said...

You will always miss him, because you carry him in your heart. You remember him, because you loved him. Can you imagine the opposite? Horrible thought! Have a hug from Ryan.

sherri said...

Diane, I do the exact same thing about my nephew who died when he was 16 (about 16 years ago). We were very close and I dearly loved that boy! Sometimes I can talk about him and laugh at a funny story, or tell "his story" and I am fine. Then other times, with no warning, I will burst into tears as grief once again rushes over me.
Hey, when your love is great, your loss is great and I think grief just comes in waves so as not to overwhelm us all at once.
Obviously your Dad was a great man for you to still be feeling the loss even now. That is a tribute to his presence and the difference it made here on earth.
Wish I could make the pain go away.

He would be very proud of you.

Candace Jean July 16 said...

My dad died almost 12 years ago and it seems like yesterday. I still miss him terribly, some days (like Father's Day, Memorial Day) are worse than others. As painful as it is, missing him still keeps him close to me. What if I never thought about him? I'm glad he's so deeply embedded in my heart and mind that I cannot forget. I feel that's a way I can continue to honor him.

Ronda's Rants said...

I am sorry...but I am glad you had an amazing relationship with your Dad...some girls aren't that lucky!

Protege said...

I am so sorry that this grief is still so heavy around your heart. I do not think anyone can fully understand what you feel and it so difficult to accept death being part of life.
Many hugs,
Z

Comedy Goddess said...

I haven't had this experience yet, and even though I tease a lot about my parents, I know how lucky I am to have them with me.

I am sorry for your sadness. And I am glad that your daughter is bringing you so much happiness. Sounds like there is so much love around you both! Blessings!

Heather said...

Oh honey, I'm so sorry that the pain is still so sharp. I can't imagine the loss of a parent. I know mama is going through it right now, and I see how it affects her every day.
It sounds like your dad was a warm, funny man. I'm so glad that Ryan will be able to know him through your stories.
Much love- xoxo

Stu Pidasso said...

I hope the sunset glows and the stars twinkle just a little brighter for you, Ryan and your dad tonight. It is hard, I know. My children's grandpa by their mother passed just before the birth of my oldest. He, like your dad, missed out on meeting a beautiful little girl (although they are probably having a boasting contest over the girls up above as we live our lives today).

Sorry your hurting.

Heather, aka Jake's Mommy said...

Blow out the candles and have boney fish in his honor! ;-) I'm sure your dad is looking down on you and is please with what a wonderful woman you have become and what a lovely daughter you are raising.

Tabitha@ichoosebliss said...

A Happy birthday To Your Wonderful Dad!

You will always miss him, but thinking of the good memories help a great deal. He's smiling on you. I deeply believe that.

((Hugs))

dianne said...

A lovely post Diane, yes its very hard to lose someone you love.
My Dad passed away in March this year and I still cant believe he is gone...I still look for him or expect him to be at his house when I go there, he was always a loving Dad and very much a part of my life.
I cared for him in the later years, so it is a feeling of emptiness and sadness. ♥

Greenfingers said...

My thoughts are with you Diane.

Debbie said...

your post broke my heart! I have a good relationship with my dad..and no that this world would not be the same without him! I hurt for you!!!

LMN said...

I don't think it ever goes away. And though it hurts, at least for me, I don't want it to go away.

And isn't it surprising that it can still take you by surprise - the grief? Just wells up out of some deep place and plunks down in your throat and tearducts and everywhere else.

I am still struck at times by the shock of it - after ... 9 years.

Isn't it good to feel connected, though - to have that kind of a response even in someone's absence? What a lovely thing.

A Woman Of No Importance said...

Their loss is always a part of us, I think, Diane...

You are so wonderful to keep him fresh in Ryan's memory...

My dad was such a large part of Grizz's childhood, that I hope he has some memories of his own to savour in later years... I just know he's doing that 'man' thing (despite my better efforts), bottling it all up, that kind of thing.

I wish you joy, eventually, in your memories of your dad, and yet I think the sadness will still creep up on us, unawares sometimes. Love to you, Diane, Fhina The Non-Brave xxx

Jenners said...

This just broke my heart on your behalf. Grief is a tricky thing. It sneaks up on you. I don't think you'll ever truly "get over" a loss like that.

Michelle said...

I am sorry Diane!! I miss my daddy too!! A LOT!!!

Sometimes Sophia said...

You are lucky to have had such a wonderful person in your life. And sharing him with Ryan is the best way to honor him. Accept your grief, share your pain. People who love you understand.