I Won't Give Up...

So, I spent the latter part of this afternoon and early this evening being angry and upset. Dealing with this whole cancer mess without insurance has been frustrating. Beyond frustrating. It makes me want to kick things... and poke people with sticks. Sharp sticks. Not random people, mind you, but the people in charge of our for-profit sickcare system ('cause it is SO not healthcare).

Anyway, I stomped around and grumbled and whined and even cried a bit today... it had to do with the whole pre-existing condition crap, but really, that's neither here nor there. All that matters is that I was mad. And you know how when you're mad at something you can't actually poke with a stick, you take it out on the people around you? Well, I really didn't want to do that. So I took a deep breath, dragged my girl away from Dr. Who, and went out for a little Mexican (served by the big Mexican who flirts shamelessly with me [for tips, I'm certain, but hey, whatevs]).

While we were having dinner, we were talking about goals we'd like to accomplish in the next year. Ryan's involved swimming and learning to skateboard. And as I was talking to her, I realized that I have a lot of goals. An awful lot. And I realized that I've been setting them and making plans to accomplish them without even thinking about the cancer and how it could affect them.

I'm living my life.

And that's how it should be. 

So I decided to stop being mad. There is much I can't control, it's true, but this situation could be ever so much worse than it is. This cancer could be aggressive and mean, as so many of them are. I could be in immediate fear for my life; worried about leaving my daughter to grow up without me. But I'm not in fear or worried in those ways. And I'm so very grateful for that. I'm setting goals. I'm making plans.

I'm living my life.

In a couple of weeks, I start a class to learn to play the guitar I bought myself at Christmas (with a little unexpected Christmas bonus I decided to spend on moi). The guitar's name is Finn (which means 'fair stranger'... and it's definitely both of those). And after I get the basics down (which will be a challenge, as I'm completely devoid of any musical ability), I'm going to learn to play Jason Mraz's I Won't Give Up. Because I crazy-love that song, that's why. And because I won't give up. I won't give in. I won't let the bastards win.

I'm living my life.

I won't give up.