formerly Diane's Addled Ramblings... the ramblings are still addled, just like before, and the URL is still the same...
it's just the title at the top of the page that's new

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Home Alone

In my whole adult life, I have never had a home. Not really. I’ve had places where I’ve kept my stuff… places where I’ve lain my head every night… places I’ve returned to at the end of trips and vacations…

But never a home.

Everywhere I’ve lived has felt temporary. Nowhere has felt like mine. There has never been a place where I’ve been able to go and completely shed the worries and dirt and noise of the day.

I want that place.

I want to find home.

I’ve wondered if home isn’t a place, but a person. And if I find that person – that person who feels like home – maybe I’ll finally feel at home. Somewhere.


But I don’t know if that person exists. I’m beginning to doubt it.

I also tell myself that expecting another person to make me feel at home is wrong. It’s a bad idea. I have to find it on my own. That’s the healthy thing to do.


And I’ve wondered if home is simply in me. Inside me... somewhere deep inside – in a place I haven’t been able to access yet.

But I don’t know if that place exists either. I’m beginning to doubt it.

There is a place in me that no one is allowed to go. It’s not that I don’t want anyone in there with me; it’s that I don’t know how to let anyone in.

But that place?

It’s not home.

It’s not a nice warm place. It’s a dark and lonely. It’s where I go when I’m hurting. And even though people try to get in, I won’t open the door.

I can’t open the door.

It’s why, even when I’m surrounded by people who love me – people who won’t let me walk this world by myself – I still feel alone.

My friends have been able to reach in and pull me out of that place… and for that, I am grateful. But no one has ever made it inside – fully inside.

I wish someone would.

What responsibility that would be, though. That person would share the weight of my insecurities, my failings, my shortcomings.

He would hold my heart in his hand.

And that?
Is too much, I think.

I think I'm asking too much; hoping for too much.

At least I’m not expecting it.

That’s something.

But home…


Home would be nice.


dianne said...

I hope you find that place dear Diane, we all need a place where we can feel complete and fulfilled.
xoxoxo ♡

Anonymous said...

I have that place...and it scares the $#it out of me to open it again...but it is sad and lonely to keep it closed...

injaynesworld said...

"Home" is super important to me. I have never owned, always rented, and more often than not stayed at least 10 years. And I've always been single. But it wasn't until I was 40 that I truly got comfortable in my own skin and stopped looking for anyone or anything else to complete me. Now home is wherever I decide it is, because like a turtle, I always have it with me. In my heart.

Pauline said...

I think home IS a physical place as well as an emotional one because I've felt what you're longing for here where I am. I've traveled, I've lived in five states, I've rented and owned houses, I've been married and had kids and still, I came home to where I am now. I never found the same comfort this place offers in a person. Don't give up. Home IS a place.

Anonymous said...

I had the same feeling for a long time. And I think you have it figured out right. Home is that comfort of just being in your own skin. Being okay just by yourself. And I think that once you reach that comfort level, then you can make wherever you are home. Having a house that is paid for or that you can and are paying for in time is one thing, but being able to come home each day and turn on the radio or tv and drop your coat and just "be", that is my home. Knowing, deep down inside, that you are a good person and that you have friends and family that love you unconditionally...being able to look at yourself in the mirror and smile, to dance in your own house and sing like no one else is listening...that is my home. A place you don't have to answer the phone or open the door for a knocker, but just hang out with no interruptions....that is my home.

Take care, OOYSA

Sam_I_am said...

Perhaps when you find someone that you can let into "that place," it won't feel so dark and lonely. Maybe it is then that you'll find home. :-)