But never a home.
Everywhere I’ve
lived has felt temporary. Nowhere has felt like mine. There has never been a
place where I’ve been able to go and completely shed the worries and dirt and
noise of the day.
I want that
place.
I want to
find home.
I’ve wondered if home isn’t a place, but a person. And if I find that person – that person
who feels like home – maybe I’ll finally feel at home. Somewhere.
Anywhere.
But I don’t
know if that person exists. I’m beginning to doubt it.
I also tell myself that expecting another person to make me feel at home is wrong. It’s a bad idea. I have to find it on my own. That’s the healthy thing to do.
I also tell myself that expecting another person to make me feel at home is wrong. It’s a bad idea. I have to find it on my own. That’s the healthy thing to do.
Right?
And I’ve
wondered if home is simply in me. Inside me... somewhere deep inside – in a place
I haven’t been able to access yet.
But I don’t
know if that place exists either. I’m beginning to doubt it.
There is a
place in me that no one is allowed to go. It’s not that I don’t want anyone in
there with me; it’s that I don’t know how to let anyone in.
But that
place?
It’s not
home.
It’s not a
nice warm place. It’s a dark and lonely. It’s where I go when
I’m hurting. And even though people try to get in, I won’t open the door.
I can’t open
the door.
It’s why,
even when I’m surrounded by people who love me – people who won’t let me walk
this world by myself – I still feel alone.
My friends
have been able to reach in and pull me out of that place… and for that, I am
grateful. But no one has ever made it inside – fully inside.
I wish
someone would.
What responsibility
that would be, though. That person would share the weight of my insecurities,
my failings, my shortcomings.
He would
hold my heart in his hand.
And that?
Is too much, I think.
I think I'm asking too much; hoping for too much.
At least I’m
not expecting it.
That’s
something.
But home…
Yeah.
Home would
be nice.
6 comments:
I hope you find that place dear Diane, we all need a place where we can feel complete and fulfilled.
hugs
xoxoxo ♡
I have that place...and it scares the $#it out of me to open it again...but it is sad and lonely to keep it closed...
"Home" is super important to me. I have never owned, always rented, and more often than not stayed at least 10 years. And I've always been single. But it wasn't until I was 40 that I truly got comfortable in my own skin and stopped looking for anyone or anything else to complete me. Now home is wherever I decide it is, because like a turtle, I always have it with me. In my heart.
I think home IS a physical place as well as an emotional one because I've felt what you're longing for here where I am. I've traveled, I've lived in five states, I've rented and owned houses, I've been married and had kids and still, I came home to where I am now. I never found the same comfort this place offers in a person. Don't give up. Home IS a place.
I had the same feeling for a long time. And I think you have it figured out right. Home is that comfort of just being in your own skin. Being okay just by yourself. And I think that once you reach that comfort level, then you can make wherever you are home. Having a house that is paid for or that you can and are paying for in time is one thing, but being able to come home each day and turn on the radio or tv and drop your coat and just "be", that is my home. Knowing, deep down inside, that you are a good person and that you have friends and family that love you unconditionally...being able to look at yourself in the mirror and smile, to dance in your own house and sing like no one else is listening...that is my home. A place you don't have to answer the phone or open the door for a knocker, but just hang out with no interruptions....that is my home.
Take care, OOYSA
Perhaps when you find someone that you can let into "that place," it won't feel so dark and lonely. Maybe it is then that you'll find home. :-)
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