This is Tristan. He is, clearly, my Frog Prince. He sits on the corner of my desk and 1) makes me smile, and 2) reminds me that somewhere out there, in this vast, confounded universe, there is a guy who will get me, want me, love me. Now, I'm not one of those women who needs a man to feel complete. I know women like that, who wander from relationship to relationship because they don't want to (or can't) be alone. I don't do that. When my marriage ended, I waited 2 years to even consider dating. I made mistakes I didn't want to repeat. I was hurt by my ex and I wanted to make sure I didn't take out the anger that resulted from that pain on anyone else. So I learned to be alone. And I liked it. But the fact is, I'm just not that interesting. I got bored with myself and decided maybe it would be nice to have someone to talk to who wasn't me and who was older than 7 and who didn't have 4 legs and fur. So I gave dating a shot. Lordy, lordy.
I turned to (where else?), Match.com. Don't judge, people (yes, I’m talking to you, oh Gurus of the Internet). I was 41, a single mom, working from home, newly-moved to the middle of a cow pasture, with no local friends to provide fix-ups, and a family who, along with their friends, voted for Bush (read, 'no viable dating options'). Like I said, lordy, lordy.
After a few less-than-stellar Match dates, I met my perfect guy... a university professor, smart, funny, attractive. Whoo hoo! He was also very firmly entrenched in his comfort zone, which included the physical and psychological need to imbibe copious amounts of alcohol on a daily basis. Relationship Status: Over
The next guy was great. I loved him. And he loved me (of course he did – I’m very loveable). He just didn’t love me in ‘that way’. Ugh. Rejection. He’s still in my life and no, I don’t love him in ‘that way’ anymore, which is good, really, ‘cause I figured out he’s incredibly annoying and he would have driven me nuts. Relationship Status: Still Friends
The third guy was lovely, but he was just too much like me… in some of the ways I’d like my match to be like me… and in all of the ways I definitely don’t want him to be like me. Relationship Status: Still Friends
After all that, my heart was hurting. A lot. And though I do believe you have to risk your heart to find real love, mine was getting the crap beaten out of it. So I gave up for a while. Then (because I’m clearly a glutton for punishment) I gave it another shot. I met lots of people (and a few Trolls, religious fanatics, narcissists, etc). I made a few more friends. I kissed a few frogs. After several months, I met a man I thought might have the makings of royalty. I broke rules with him… talked too long before meeting, got attached quickly. After hours and hours of conversation and our first date (which went amazingly well), he asked a question because "it might be an issue down the road." Yup. Uh oh. It turned out the fact that my daughter is half Hispanic was "the issue" (see my “Brown, It’s Just a Color” post from July 30 if you’re interested). A bigot. I went out with a bigot. Relationship Status: BEYOND OVER
I gave up again. And I’m still in that place.
So, why this dissertation on dating tonight? Because I got yet another email from one of the many amphibians I’ve met. This was the Playboy Toad… you know, the guy who made it really clear right up front he was only in it for the sex. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate that sort of clarity. I’d rather know it up front than find out after a few dates when I’m thinking ‘possible relationship’ and he’s thinking ‘definite tadpole crawl.’ I told him (back when we met) that I respected where he was in his life and I appreciated his honesty, but I just wasn’t in the same place. Now, just to be clear... I like 'tadpole crawls'… LOVE them, in fact. I just love them a lot more when they’re with frogs I have real feelings for. One-night-lily-pad-stands just don’t do it for me anymore. I just wonder why these sorts of croakers keep hopping back into my pond. I don't get it.
So for now, it’s just me and Tristan. I’m happy to hang out alone for a while longer and he’s happy to remind me there's a prince out there for me (and by 'prince' I mean 'just a normal, funny, smart, cute guy')… that somewhere in this vast, confounded universe is a guy who will get me, want me, love me…
17 comments:
If this was a fishing trip, I would suggest you consider using different bait. You seem to be attracting Gropers and bottom-feeders. Perhaps frog meat...no, no.
Wow I still get incredibly angry when I read about the hijo de un cerdo who...let me stop.
Has Playboy Toad had a change of heart or is he hoping you yourself have had one.
I was going to make a joke for Tristan but then I outdirted myself and needed the mind bleach. So in closing, keep your head up. Tristan is a far better stand-in than I've seen from some.
- Kendall
When you meet your frog prince, remember to see ask if he has a princely brother for me as well. You know my issues, just keep those in mind. He will probably have to be a very patient frog prince brother. ;)
Diane, I love the optimism in this post; the real good ones are worth waiting for.
There is someone out there for everyone, of that I am sure. Maybe the right man is wondering -at this very minute- where you are as well.:)
JCN... change the bait. Hmmm... but the bait is ME! Clearly I'm screwed. Or not, as the case may be. To clarify, though, I've met a lot of really nice guys - more nice ones than bottom-feeders. They just weren't the right guys (them for me or me for them).
Kendall... yeah, that still makes me mad, too. Thanks for cleaning up your comment (email me with the dirty version ;).
Mel... good lord, woman. Do NOT make me responsible for finding your perfect guy, too! Have you lost your marbles?! Oh... right... never mind... ;)
Zuz... I'm ever the optimist! Oh, and if that guy IS out there and reading this post by chance, my address is... ummm... wait... that might not be safe, eh? Email me, dude! ;)
I have no sound advice for you (not that you need it) except, hang in there ;)
You have a strong head on your shoulders and it sounds to me like it's just a matter of time!
It's good that you know what you want and more importantly, DON'T WANT, in a man. Don't ever settle for second (or third or fourth) best. The right one is out there, and you and your daughter deserve to find him!! :)
B TRUE 2 U. Don't change who you are for anyone!! I am not. After eight years of marriage and another six of dating an old flame, I told myself, FIVE YEARS!! That's how long I gave myself to know someone before even considering a long term relationship. I want to KNOW my next mate, not just hang out for a few years and think I know them. And hang in there, there are plenty of good men who are growing and maturing and coming to their senses everyday. The odds are on our (those looking for the right match) side.
I have seen that show...you're right, she does have kind of the same look on her face LOL ;)
Shanna... I'm hangin' :)
Heather... I agree, never settle. I did that once. Stupidest move I ever made.
Stu... lol... I think 5 years IS a long-term relationship, love. Bottom line, I'm not really sure we ever KNOW anyone. But Lord knows I've been wrong before and Lord knows I will be again.
He's out there. We just don't know where yet. I'm glad you'll never settle though because you deserve the best.
At least you have a novel to keep you busy for now ;)
BELIEVE me, I kissed a few frogs in my search for the right guy. I always put them to the "Heather" test. If my daughter wasn't welcomed then they weren't worth my time. First date with hubby, Heather was a real pill, But he still called again. He has always treated her like his own. Hang in there, you'll find your prince.
Heather's M
So why did you want to live vicariously through me? lol I'd rather live vicariously through your dating life :)
Boy, I wish I had this dating clarity even a year and a half ago. I know it's frustrating, but better to find out sooner rather than later that the men weren't right for you. You know, looking on the bright side. :)
I do not like the bigot guy!!! YUK!!!!! I have nothing...I am an old married lady who hasn't a clue! I do know that you seem truly wonderful and you deserve the best!
I know a cute, smart, funny fairly normal guy but he lives in San Fran...that's a bit far for a first date!
Ronda... I went to London for a date once... and I like San Francisco... ;)
This is a tough one. Love is hard to find and even those in relationships still have to struggle at love or keeping it. Do your best, keep Ry happy and you will find yourself in a good place too.
Maybe there's the perfect man out there reading this post and soon you will meet. Mmm. Wouldn't that be wonderful?
I had to go read your Brown post. That guy was awful to say the least.
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