Have you ever found yourself in a situation where, no matter how hard you try, you just can’t make yourself understood? Well, if you’re like me, you keep trying… again… and again... and again...
You all remember Troll-Guy, right? If not, go here… or here… to read about him. So, I got my quarterly email from him last night and I thought you might like to read it (and by ‘read it’ I mean ‘laugh hysterically at Diane’s keen ability to attract the most pitiful men on the planet’).
Dear Dianne, (Again with the misspelling!)
How are you on this windy, blustery March day? (Oh, did I forget to mention his middle name is Redundant?) I can’t believe this crazy weather, can you? (The weather? Sure. But I can’t believe you, crazy guy, are emailing me again.) I hope this email finds you well. (I was well… ‘til I saw your name in my in-box…) As usual, I have been thinking about you alot (I think they make a pill for that now) and I was wondering if you have decided to get back into the dating world again. (The dating world? Possibly. Your world? Not a chance.) I understand the need to take a break sometimes. (I’m betting your ‘breaks’ aren’t exactly voluntary, though, are they?) Anyway, if your up for it, I’d love to get together again. (And I’d love for you to learn the difference between ‘your’ and ‘you’re’, but that obviously isn’t going to happen either.) Please let me know if your free this weekend. (Oh, sorry, I just made plans to shave my head and have every orifice on my body cauterized.) Maybe we could go for a hike up in the SNF (only if you promise to get eaten by a bear) and then we could have dinner at Red Lobster again. (We ate at LUIGI’S, damn it!). That was so much fun! (No. No, it was not.) I hope we can do it! (Sure, if by ‘it’ you mean ‘never see each other again’.)
Love, (I know, I can’t believe he said it either.)
Troll-Guy (It'd be funny if he called himself that, huh?)
And my response…
Dear Troll-Guy, (Yes, I double-checked before I sent it.)
Thanks for your email. (And by ‘thanks’ I mean ‘why the hell can’t you take a hint?’) You certainly are persistent, aren’t you? (And by ‘persistent’ I mean ‘annoying as crap’.) I do appreciate the offer (I’m lying) but I have to say no. (That part’s the truth.) I just don’t think we’re a good fit (unless, of course, you’re comfortable in coach, on an 8-hour flight, sandwiched between a 300lb gassy woman and a 6’9” man with the wingspan of a pterodactyl and chronic halitosis) but I really hope you find what you’re looking for out there in Dating World. (There’s got to be a place where you can find Troll-Girls… keep looking.)
Take care, (And go away!)
Diane (with one ‘n’)
I hoped that would be the end of it. But hope has a way of pissing in your Cheerios, doesn't it? Here is his response, received this morning…
Dear Dianne, (Clearly he’s not detail-oriented.)
I guess nothing has changed. (Oh, but it has, as I’m even more annoyed with you now than I was last night.) I hoped you would be able to get past this (ummm… past what?) and realize that looks aren’t everything. (Or, in your case, anything.) I’m sad for you. (And I’m really pissed off with you.) I hope YOU find what YOUR looking for in Dating World but be aware that no one is perfect. (And some of us are much less perfect than others, aren’t we?)
Troll-Guy (Awww... I guess he doesn’t love me anymore, huh?)
Well, damn. I could just let it go, couldn’t I? So what if he thinks I’m shallow and don’t like him because he’s ugly… I mean weird-looking… I mean unconventional-looking… OK, no, I mean ugly. But I’m not shallow. I swear! I know I joke about his looks (a lot), but they truly weren’t the reason I didn’t like him. And when I get right down to it, although I say I don't care what people think about me, I don’t want anyone to think I'm shallow (even Troll-Guy). So now I have to get serious… and honest. Crap.
Here’s the deal… I try really hard to live by the Golden Rule. Sometimes I fail, but I try. I appreciate it when people are honest and direct with me, so in an effort to get you past this, I’m going to be perfectly honest with you… again. I realize the first time I told you the complete truth, I hurt your feelings. I felt horrible about it and that’s why I’ve been somewhat evasive each time you’ve contacted me since. But I’m going to give it another shot and hope it gets through this time.
As I explained to you numerous times after we went out, your looks have absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I don’t want to see you again… they never have and they never will. I did not (nor would I ever) say you were unattractive in any way and I don’t appreciate you putting words in my mouth… again. As I said before, we’re attracted to the people we’re attracted to and there’s no controlling it. It has a great deal to do with chemistry, which, as you know, is elusive and unexplainable. I truly never know what I’ll find physically attractive from one person to the next… that’s the beauty of being a woman with no ‘type’ and diverse tastes.
It is never my intention to be unkind so forgive me if I sound that way now, but the absolute truth is, I didn’t enjoy the time we spent together at all. While I’m sure you’re a very nice person and will make the right woman happy, you and I are simply not right for each other. But know beyond all doubt that I am not looking for perfection. I’m well aware it doesn’t exist and I wouldn’t want it if it did. I am, however, looking for certain qualities in a partner and, as far as I can tell, you don’t possess them. As such, I don’t believe you are or ever will be the person I’m looking for – the person who is perfect for me. And, as such, I cannot be the person you’re looking for either. Relationships (and attractions) must be reciprocal and people must complement each other in order for things to work. We don’t. That’s the bottom line.
So take care of yourself and please don’t contact me again. Thank you.
I hope he doesn’t cry… again. Or email me… again. Or dye his hair that weird shade of yellow-orange… again. You know I’ll keep you posted.