formerly Diane's Addled Ramblings... the ramblings are still addled, just like before, and the URL is still the same...
it's just the title at the top of the page that's new

Friday, March 13, 2009

Trying... Again...

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where, no matter how hard you try, you just can’t make yourself understood? Well, if you’re like me, you keep trying… again… and again... and again...

You all remember Troll-Guy, right? If not, go here… or here… to read about him. So, I got my quarterly email from him last night and I thought you might like to read it (and by ‘read it’ I mean ‘laugh hysterically at Diane’s keen ability to attract the most pitiful men on the planet’).

Dear Dianne, (Again with the misspelling!)

How are you on this windy, blustery March day? (Oh, did I forget to mention his middle name is Redundant?) I can’t believe this crazy weather, can you? (The weather? Sure. But I can’t believe you, crazy guy, are emailing me again.) I hope this email finds you well. (I was well… ‘til I saw your name in my in-box…) As usual, I have been thinking about you alot (I think they make a pill for that now) and I was wondering if you have decided to get back into the dating world again. (The dating world? Possibly. Your world? Not a chance.) I understand the need to take a break sometimes. (I’m betting your ‘breaks’ aren’t exactly voluntary, though, are they?) Anyway, if your up for it, I’d love to get together again. (And I’d love for you to learn the difference between ‘your’ and ‘you’re’, but that obviously isn’t going to happen either.) Please let me know if your free this weekend. (Oh, sorry, I just made plans to shave my head and have every orifice on my body cauterized.) Maybe we could go for a hike up in the SNF (only if you promise to get eaten by a bear) and then we could have dinner at Red Lobster again. (We ate at LUIGI’S, damn it!). That was so much fun! (No. No, it was not.) I hope we can do it! (Sure, if by ‘it’ you mean ‘never see each other again’.)

Love, (I know, I can’t believe he said it either.)

Troll-Guy (It'd be funny if he called himself that, huh?)

And my response…

Dear Troll-Guy, (Yes, I double-checked before I sent it.)

Thanks for your email. (And by ‘thanks’ I mean ‘why the hell can’t you take a hint?’) You certainly are persistent, aren’t you? (And by ‘persistent’ I mean ‘annoying as crap’.) I do appreciate the offer (I’m lying) but I have to say no. (That part’s the truth.) I just don’t think we’re a good fit (unless, of course, you’re comfortable in coach, on an 8-hour flight, sandwiched between a 300lb gassy woman and a 6’9” man with the wingspan of a pterodactyl and chronic halitosis) but I really hope you find what you’re looking for out there in Dating World. (There’s got to be a place where you can find Troll-Girls… keep looking.)

Take care, (And go away!)

Diane (with one ‘n’)

I hoped that would be the end of it. But hope has a way of pissing in your Cheerios, doesn't it? Here is his response, received this morning…

Dear Dianne, (Clearly he’s not detail-oriented.)

I guess nothing has changed. (Oh, but it has, as I’m even more annoyed with you now than I was last night.) I hoped you would be able to get past this (ummm… past what?) and realize that looks aren’t everything. (Or, in your case, anything.) I’m sad for you. (And I’m really pissed off with you.) I hope YOU find what YOUR looking for in Dating World but be aware that no one is perfect. (And some of us are much less perfect than others, aren’t we?)

Troll-Guy (Awww... I guess he doesn’t love me anymore, huh?)

Well, damn. I could just let it go, couldn’t I? So what if he thinks I’m shallow and don’t like him because he’s ugly… I mean weird-looking… I mean unconventional-looking… OK, no, I mean ugly. But I’m not shallow. I swear! I know I joke about his looks (a lot), but they truly weren’t the reason I didn’t like him. And when I get right down to it, although I say I don't care what people think about me, I don’t want anyone to think I'm shallow (even Troll-Guy). So now I have to get serious… and honest. Crap.

Dear David,

Here’s the deal… I try really hard to live by the Golden Rule. Sometimes I fail, but I try. I appreciate it when people are honest and direct with me, so in an effort to get you past this, I’m going to be perfectly honest with you… again. I realize the first time I told you the complete truth, I hurt your feelings. I felt horrible about it and that’s why I’ve been somewhat evasive each time you’ve contacted me since. But I’m going to give it another shot and hope it gets through this time.

As I explained to you numerous times after we went out, your looks have absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I don’t want to see you again… they never have and they never will. I did not (nor would I ever) say you were unattractive in any way and I don’t appreciate you putting words in my mouth… again. As I said before, we’re attracted to the people we’re attracted to and there’s no controlling it. It has a great deal to do with chemistry, which, as you know, is elusive and unexplainable. I truly never know what I’ll find physically attractive from one person to the next… that’s the beauty of being a woman with no ‘type’ and diverse tastes.

It is never my intention to be unkind so forgive me if I sound that way now, but the absolute truth is, I didn’t enjoy the time we spent together at all. While I’m sure you’re a very nice person and will make the right woman happy, you and I are simply not right for each other. But know beyond all doubt that I am not looking for perfection. I’m well aware it doesn’t exist and I wouldn’t want it if it did. I am, however, looking for certain qualities in a partner and, as far as I can tell, you don’t possess them. As such, I don’t believe you are or ever will be the person I’m looking for – the person who is perfect for me. And, as such, I cannot be the person you’re looking for either. Relationships (and attractions) must be reciprocal and people must complement each other in order for things to work. We don’t. That’s the bottom line.

So take care of yourself and please don’t contact me again. Thank you.

Diane

I hope he doesn’t cry… again. Or email me… again. Or dye his hair that weird shade of yellow-orange… again. You know I’ll keep you posted.

33 comments:

sherri said...

Pretty direct.
Very much needed.

Thanks for the morning's entertainment Dianne!

(I love the 2 N spelling- it creates interest!)
I think you should keep it.

Annie K said...

HA! That is funn-ayy (yes, I said that in my best Forest (or is it with two r's like Diane with 2 n's...) Gump voice).

I have to be honest and say that it's posts like this that make me appreciate the fact I found a very awesome man to marry and no longer play the dating game.

That Baldy Fella said...

Nice work. I would have finished it with "P.S. You are ugly, though. And get a haircut."

Julie said...

Ahahahhahahahaha.

I'm SOOOOOOOO happy to see I'm not the only one who attracts men like this!!!!!

If he writes back, tell him your lesbian lover Julie is really getting pissed at his unwanted attention. LOL

Sometimes Sophia said...

Oh, man... you are brutally funny. This is a classic, this post. The message, though, is gut-wrenchingly honest and so you. Good luck. Let's hope he takes the hint/beating and goes away forever.

Shanna said...

Wow....I'm glad you had the guts to stand up for yourself. He sounds like a looney. He sounds a little freaky to me! And his lack of details (your name and the restaurant you ate at) are really annoying!

Protege said...

You have given this guy many opportunities to understand that you are not interested.
If he cries reading your letter, it should be because he is touched by your kindness and sincerity.
If he cries for other reasons there is something wrong with him, I am sorry to say and he should see professional counseling.;))
If he still pursues you, then this has a slight feeling of stalking to it, if you ask me.
Hope your day is good my friend, without strange emails.;))
xoxo
Z

Missy said...

Just tell him he looks like a troll and smells like one too! This is funny!

Heather said...

Wow.. he is persistent... in a totally obnoxious and repelling way. Probably best that you were direct with him.. he's the type of person who needs that, apparently.

Summer said...

Wow!!!

I mean....um, wow!!!

This was awesome and I LOVE your letter back at the end.

You're awesome!

Soda and Candy said...

Ugh, some men will take any form of contact as an expression of interest.

I think you did a really good job. Your response came off as very considerate yet firm and without giving any false hope.

If he doesn't respect your request and does contact you again, my advice is this - no matter what he says, don't reply.

blognut said...

Thank you for the laugh!!! I really needed that!

I hope he gets the point this time and leaves you alone. But you know how it is with some people, you'd do just as well to direct to your comments straight up your own backside.

Mama Wheaton said...

Ok you just made so grateful to me married this morning. I don't think I could take the dating scene again. Thanks for the smiles, I hope he leaves you alone.

Blu said...

Blimey, the chap is very persistant. It is nice to feel wanted BUT this man sounds so weird. When you posted before about your "date" I laughed my head off. But now the funny is wearing off eh! I hope he gives up and leaves you alone, only trouble is I do not think there is a true love out there for him. Best wishes Blu

Jane! said...

You are so good with words. I probably would have just hit the 'block sender' button and called it good.
On the other hand, it IT LobsterFest time at the RL, know what I'm saying?

Michelle said...

Oh dear...

snort!

That was me choking on my coffee.....some people are so oblivious to the obvious.

Heather, aka Jake's Mommy said...

Wow ... that was several different kinds of hilarious and painful!! Troll guy strikes again!

Sarah's Blogtastic Adventures said...

Oh I feel so bonded to you in the way only creepy troll guys can bond two random strangers! : )

That was freaking hilarious and very sad all at the same time!

A Woman Of No Importance said...

And the D in Diane obviously stands for 'Diplomat'.

I was entirely behind you from the your/you're debate - I mean, you just couldn't! So funny, Diane, he is entirely deluded, and not a good judge of character if he thinks we're all looks-oriented...

And, you have been so right to be wholly honest in the last mail you sent, except you could really have stuck the boot in, and addressed it to Troll Guy! (I would never have done that either!)

Well done, and you have now been awarded the medal for Diplomat of Blogdom now! xox

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

oh man, what a piece of work he is, huh? I guess you should at least be flattered that he finds you so fetching that he just won't give up!

mo.stoneskin said...

I absolutely loved the 'gassy woman sandwiched' line, pure comic genius!

Thanks for sharing too. Any chance that Troll-Guy could read this?!

Tabitha in Bliss said...

LOL!!! Ok, you are exactly what the doctor prescribed!! Loved it!!

Hotch Potchery said...

Wow, that was awesome. All of it. I love reading about dating in this techy world...last time I dated, answering machines were new.

Michelle said...

That letter right there should be the bench mark for all explanation letters!!! Actually Diane, I think you should market that letter. It says perfectly what us woman have been trying to say for centuries!!!

Can i borrow it sometime???

LOVE YA!

Amy McMean a.k.a McSunshine said...

Not you can list "heartbreaker" in your little list of things you are. Way to go!

NateAndJakesMom said...

I have never had anyone fall so madly in love with me in such a short period of time... You have to feel a little bit of pride that you made such an impact!? I HAD to go and read all the previous posts and if you are half as witty in person as you are on your blog - I don't blame him for falling head over heals for you. HYSTERICAL!

Laura said...

Loved your response. I'm starting to go on the "not worth the effort" route with these guys who just don't get it. If a middle-aged man can't read a woman, then there's no help for him.

blueviolet said...

I sure hope that's the end of it. I don't think it's normal for someone to get that attached so quickly. It was ONE date, right?

Moomby said...

wow! good luck with that. if it's any consolation, these emails provide veeery entertaining posts!

you're very sweet and that's probably why he can't stop thinking about you. i, on the otherhand, would have used my "spam" button long ago.

ps, i'm so loving your hope and Cheerios expression!

rdl said...

Too funny! Thanks for that. I've been living vicariously thru my bro-in-law and a young friend with this online dating phenomena. I thought the bars were bad but i'm not sure if this is much better. :D

Red Cup Mom said...

Whoa. He needs to g*o a*w*a*y. Get lawyered up next time and him or her write the reply for ya.

Mel said...

What is it they say about honesty? It' the best policy, right? Some people just don't do subtle, and apparently he's one of them.

Jenners said...

I hope this does the trick...but it may be too many words for him to comprehend. Give him a month and I bet he e-mails you again and makes all the same mistakes. And part of my WANTS him too because these are so damn funny.