formerly Diane's Addled Ramblings... the ramblings are still addled, just like before, and the URL is still the same...
it's just the title at the top of the page that's new

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Tuesday Tosh...

'Cause I've got nothin' else...

1. I got rear-ended this morning (again). And not in that enjoyable way, either. That makes four times in the last year! Four, people... F.O.U.R. And each and every time was at a stop light, when I was sitting perfectly still, just minding my own business. I've decided to just stop stopping when the light's red. I figure I have a better chance at avoiding being T-boned than I do getting hit from behind, given my track record of late. Luckily, only one of the bumps required any repairs to my car... and get this... that time I was hit by a cop. Yup. It made me laugh, too... well, a day or two later, as it wasn't all that funny at the time. I've never been a nervous driver but I tell you, when I'm at a light and I see someone coming up behind me, my whole body goes all tense and I have to force myself not to scoot up a bit more. There have been times lately when I've been tempted to get out of my car at lights and tell people to get off my damned bumper. But I don't. 'Cause this is Pigsknuckle. And people carry guns 'round here.

2. I've just gotten off the phone with the local news station... I asked them to do a public service announcement about a renegade flock of ostriches roaming Pigsknuckle. I haven't actually seen them, but one (or more) of them shat on my (newly washed... and newly rained-upon... natch) car last night. I figure it had to be an ostrich, as no normal sized bird could produce a poo that big. And I'm thinking it's very possible he was snacking on those yummy Sunsweet Orange Essence Dried Plums.

3. Ryan's music teacher is a horrible woman... a sadist, really. Remember how she sent home that instrument from Hell... the recorder...? Well, in an effort to get the kids to practice and move forward, and with (clearly) no regard whatsoever for their parents' mental health, she instituted this 'belt' system... each song the child learns (to her satisfaction, mind you), earns said child a belt (like in karate), from white all the way to black (it's actually just a piece of colored thread tied around the end of the torture device). You know how many there are? Nine. So, Ryan earned her black belt the other day. And with great joy and relief, I threw away my earplugs. Then, on the way to school this morning, I noticed her studying her music book. "What's that you're looking at?" I asked in interested-mother fashion. "Oh, it's a new song I have to learn for the recorder," she replied off-handedly. "Ummm... what? I thought you were finished with that when you got your black belt," I stammered, my heart sinking into my Nikes. "Oh," she began, her little face all lit up with happiness, "I finished with the first part of the program. Now I get to earn my extra-credit pink belt and a bead for each of the 10 belts, too!" Gulp. "Does that mean you have to learn 11 new songs?" I asked, dread oozing from every pore. "Yup! Isn't that cool?!" I nearly crashed the car. I hate that music teacher. And I'll find a way to get her back, if it's the last thing I do. Before I go deaf. Or insane.

4. I've been writing resumes for IT people for about 5 years now. In all that time, I've written the word 'Linux' (it's an operating system... I think) about 53,584 times. And each time I've written it, I've pronounced it (in my head, as I don't think I've ever spoken the word out loud), the way you say 'Linus' (you know, the little kid with the blanket in the Peanuts comic strip), except with an 'x' on the end and not an 's'. Well, on the radio today, I heard an ad for a computer repair company and the announcer pronounced it with a short 'i', like 'linen'. "I'll be damned," I said (out loud that time). It was sort of like when I saw that Jim Varney (of, 'You know what I mean, Vern?' fame) commercial years ago... it was the first time I realized that epi-tome and ep-it-Oh-me were the same word. Yeah, not my brightest moment.

And that's all I've got. Happy Tuesday, lovely bloggy people!

28 comments:

blognut said...

I'm so sorry to hear that you got rear-ended, because you know I know it's annoying. At least it wasn't your fault. 'Cause, like, 75% of my reported accidents are my fault, and 100% of the unreported accidents are my fault.

And I'm sorry about the ostrich poop. And I'm sorry about the recorder.

And I've been pronouncing Linux the same way you've been pronouncing it. I probably picked that up on your half of the brain.

Moomby said...

Awesome! I love your updates of random! I feel like I'm watching Talk Soup of Diane on E!

SHERRI said...

I'VE BEEN REAR ENDED TWICE, AND HIT MANY TIMES AND IT WASN'T MY FAULT AND USUALLY BY PEOPLE WITH NO INSURANCE, OR HIT AND RUN WHEN I'M PARKED. I FEEL YOUR PAIN.

AND THE BIG BIRD DOO IS JUST SICK. I HATE THAT CRAP!
9AND SORRY, I'M NOT YELLING- MY CAPS LOCK IS STUCK. I'LL FIX IT BEFORE I RETURN.

Tabitha in Bliss said...

You make me smile and laugh my butt off at the same time!!! The ostrich poop was too funny!

Michelle said...

Ugh, recorders...instruments of torture!

I think it may be bat poo.....huge sticky coloured mess that doesn't want to come off????

Erk

Annie K said...

I thought maybe you were being rear-ended because you're slamming on your brakes, spilling your coke and cussing at the old lady in front of you...

Protege said...

I love the way you write Diane; you have a way of writing with humor that is so refreshing and light, yet very entertaining.;)) I thoroughly enjoyed this.;) Your number 2 was particularly funny.;)
And I really needed a good laugh today, so thank you dear friend.;)
But sorry about your car.;)

Heather said...

Four times?! I'd be attaching some bubble wrap to my rear bumper.
And I didn't realize there were that many songs for the recorder...don't they all start sounding the same? There's only so many notes you can play.
And I thought Linux was like Linus, too. Thanks for teaching me something. :)

mo.stoneskin said...

I imagine that if I lived in Pigsnuckle the renegade flock of ostriches would be the bane of life, and they'd probably run into the back of my car too.

Greenfingers said...

I to might say that your number 2 was quite funny but that can be taken to literally! Ostrich crap! Jeezuz! There's me thinking that I had problems with my crapping pigeons! Ummm, a recorder? My sister played one at school and your right, bit of a useless instrument really. Half stick, half flute!!

Jane! said...

I had the same experience with the word idiot. But I was in the 5th grade. I still feel like an idiot when I remember.
If you can't stop the rear-ending, I hope that you at least get hit by Prince Charming.

crookedmadestraight said...

Okay, bummer about the accidents and the ostrich poop,etc., but I LAUGHED OUT LOUD on the "belt" system for the recorder and then the additional pink belt with the beads -- ohmygod!

I have to admit, though, as a teacher, I was trying to think of a way to implement that in my room. It would be fun to watch my seniors trying to earn their pink belt -- kind of my payback for their ungodly displays of senioritis!

crookedmadestraight said...

Okay, bummer about the accidents and the ostrich poop,etc., but I LAUGHED OUT LOUD on the "belt" system for the recorder and then the additional pink belt with the beads -- ohmygod!

I have to admit, though, as a teacher, I was trying to think of a way to implement that in my room. It would be fun to watch my seniors trying to earn their pink belt -- kind of my payback for their ungodly displays of senioritis!

Heather, aka Jake's Mommy said...

Oh man with the rear-ending going on in your life!! Maybe we need to get you a barricade for the back of your vehicle.

And, my husband is in IT, so I know what you mean about mispronouncing just about everything. I was reading something he has scribbled on the desk and said 'hey, do you need this C tiny-t tiny-t stuff?' He had no idea what I was talking about. Then I tried again "you know, the C addition addition paper and the aspnet (said aspnet not asp.net) stuff.' At this, he balked. Oh how funny we technological simpletons really are.

A Woman Of No Importance said...

Diane, so sorry you got hit today - And four times this year, that sucks like a hoover... Okay, I know I do American idioms badly - And I don't even know if that's an idiom, but I am an idiot... I have been pronouncing Linus, as Line-us for more years than I can remember, too, and my OH works in IT - I think they're all space cadets, by the way!

And, could you borrow your niece's safe weapon to wave gently out of your back seat at the offending rear-enders just as they approach you like demons, and also so you can tackle the ostrich plague?

Take good care of yourself - Bloggus and I will go to the dogs, (literally, given Bloggus's tiny size, and the sea of labs), if you end up in hospital, or something! xox

Amy McMean a.k.a McSunshine said...

Maybe you could rear end the music teacher, while she is on the way to the bead store, and while you are sorting out all the information an ostrich will come poop on her car. Thus causing her to suffer a tragic event linked to the recorder and she will be to traumatized to continue with that whole horrific recorder reward thing.

Amy McMean a.k.a McSunshine said...

P.S.
I tense up also at lights. I think you sort of have to after it's happen to you. It's the law.

Pauline said...

okay -
1. tote a gun of your own.

2. pose a plastic ostrich on your car with an approximation of said poo and send that to the paper

3. arrange for Ryan to practice at the music teacher's house

and

4. try pronouncing Yosemite phonetically ;)

Your posts never fail to make me laugh.

San Diego Momma said...

Me too on the Linux! I edit IT reports and I always say it Linus with an x in my brain!

And sorry for the rear ending. Maybe you need to attach a strobe light to your trunk?

Guinhyvar said...

FOUR times? Dang. You must be driving my old car. Mine got hit three times in one year, once by a bus. I think that counts as two... what is it about some cars that just attract other cars? Have they magnets in them or what?

May your poor car never get hit again.

And, so sorry to hear about the recorder... hey, shall we TP the teacher's house, maybe? Wanna?

joshlos said...

"I got rear-ended this morning (again). And not in that enjoyable way, either."

Probably the most attention-catching an hilarious opening to a blog entry I've read anywhere in a while.

Sorry about the rear-endings. You know those grille guards that I'm sure all the Pigsknuckle pick-up trucks surely have affixed to the front bumper? You should totally get one for your back bumper. People'd think twice about how close they pull up to you.

♥ Braja said...

all i read was the first part... are you ok??? Obviously you are but i mean subtly, in the smaller ways, are you ok...
xxx

Debbie said...

this post was sooo funny! All three of my children start guitar lessons thursday, and based on their 'pre-practice' I feel your pain!!:)

hebba said...

I bet that music teacher has a blog out there somewhere and she has about 1000 comments about how brilliant and creative she is for that belt system!

Mel said...

I think you should institute your own "belt" system for the music teacher as her punishment. I imagine those beads are going to hurt when thwacked against her backside.

dianne said...

I didnt realise they still had those awful recorders for music lessons, I have been there with two of my children...earplugs definitely required, though it could be worse the sounds of a 'tortured' violin.:-)

Yes, when I am parked at the traffic lights or at a stop sign I wonder sometimes if the person coming up my rear is going to stop in time, do they ever look?...yeah got to watch out for those renegade ostriches, they love to poop on freshly washed cars. ;-)

I have always pronounced Linux as in Linus, yeah I guess it could be pronounced as in 'linen'.

Lol you mentioned the word epitome, what about 'hyperbole' you can sure have some confusion with that one.
Thanks, enjoyed your post. ♡

dec0r8or said...

I think you should attach a big mirror to your bumper...it might slow some people down if they see they're going to head-on collide with themselves?

You Linux reminds me of the night at the dinner table many years ago when my sister realized that "sub-tle" and "subtle" were the same word. We all just about died laughing at that one. (She was an avid reader...had been pronouncing the "b" in her head!)

Jenners said...

Perhaps a rear-ending of the music teachers car is in order ... along with a giant poopathon by the ostriches!